Silent Prayers A Single Mother’s Guide of Hope and Freedom from Abuse By Sheryl L. Knapp
Silent
Prayers
By
Sheryl L. Knapp
Strength in
Unity[1]
Resource Hotlines:
Battered Women’s Justice Project 800-903-0111
Bureau
of Indian Affairs County
800-633-5155
ChildHelp USA National Hotline 800-4-A-CHILD (800-422-4453)
TDD
800-2-A-CHILD (800-222-4453)
Juvenile Justice Clearinghouse 800-851-3420
800-843-5678
TDD
800-826-7653
National Children’s Alliance 800-239-9950
National
Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information
800-729-6686
Español 877-767-8432
TDD
Hotline 800-487-4889
Hearing
Impaired 800-735-2258
National Crime Prevention Council 800-NCPC-911
(800-637-3911)
National Criminal Justice
Reference Service 800-851-3420
National Domestic Violence HOTLINE 800-799-SAFE
(800-799-7233)
TTY
HOTLINE 800-787-3224
National Organization for Victim
Assistance 800-TRY-NOVA
(800-879-6682)
National Organization for Parents
of Murdered Children, Inc.
888-818-POMA (888-818-7663)
TTY
HOTLINE 800-537-2238
National Sexual Violence Resource
Center 877-739-3895
Office for Violence of Crime
Resource Center 800-851-3420
TTY
877-712-9279
Office for Victims of Crime
Training and
Technical Assistance Center 866-683-8823
TTY
866-682-8880
Rape, Abuse & Incest National
Network 800-656-4673
Protection and Custody 800-527-3223
Colorado Coalition Against
Domestic Violence www.ccadv.org.
Focus on the Family Help/Abuse
Line 1-800-A-FAMILY
1-800-232-6459
http://www.crimevictims.gov/flash.html
is a website for information, resources on victim’s rights, services and
criminal and juvenile justice. For a free DVD on Victims’ Rights, contact the
U.S. Postal Inspectors at www.usps.com/postalinspectors
Silent
Prayers
A Single
Mother’s Guide of Hope and Freedom from Abuse
By
Sheryl L. Knapp
All poetry and photos are
by the author or found in Microsoft clipart freeware.
First North American Rights
Observed.
No part of this work shall
be copied without prior
written permission.
©
Sheryl Knapp, 2011
She dances across the pages
as her mind dances across
her imagination
© Sheryl L. Knapp, 1992
Above clipart from Dover
Electronic Art Royalty-free Designs, Gibson Girl. All Biblical quotes, references, etc. are from the New
International Version. All clipart is from Microsoft so it is copyright safe to
share. All Photos are either Microsoft clipart or from author’s private
collection and are copyright protected.
“We must be a light for future generations.”
The
Christian Music Group 4Him
The
Dream of Your Promise
As another year begins to
close,
I remember Your special
gift to me
When the year began.
My heart was shattered,
lying in shards on the
ground,
You saw my pain.
To comfort me, You sent me
a sign.
It was just a small sight
but You showed it to me
Three times over three
days.
Though I’ve seen a balloon
Carry away my dreams,
I remember Your Promise
Whispered to me on gentle
white wings.
© Sheryl L. Knapp, 2007
Dear Friend:
I also have jumped, pinched,
pulled, screamed, cried, lied, bargained, hassled, hustled, and ran for my life
through the same situations you have survived. Yes, through the same drug
world. I say “survived” because that’s what you have done: survived something
others see in theaters while choking down popcorn hoping the bad guy doesn't find the lady and her kids hiding out in the local abused women’s shelter. You
and I know this life we lead is all too real and now you have to give yourself
a chance to sort out your life and get down to raising your kids and just
leading a “normal life,” at least a safe life. I hope that I can show you some
good ways to fight this survival game.
The game of survival for me started early. Most of us are looking for a way out of our parents’ home and to get out on our own. I did when I was seventeen. What is the fastest way one can run from her parents (or parent) and feel she is a grown-up? You got it, say hello to the boyfriend a.k.a. the older guy who you find (or finds you) to “shack up with.” In this game, I found a guy who seemed weird at first (actually he was introduced by a mutual girlfriend) but eventually he won me over with his smooth talk. So how could I know that he was really bad at first? A girl usually makes “exceptions” to every guy she goes out with. Sounds familiar? There isn’t a guy in this world that is perfect and if he seems so, he wants some fashion doll with a bankroll to spare (and even those girls aren’t safe). Our guys are usually the blue-collar brigade looking for how many gals they can get. Only one in a million is real in mind and body. Maybe if we look for kindness first, will we find a good one? Never think you can change someone, it never works.
However, when
you’re seventeen you make exceptions; even if I did hear him say things that
made me stop and think, “Maybe he isn’t the one” or “what did he mean by saying
he had a previous girlfriend who fought with him (literally) all the
time?” I still tried to make the move to
be free and out of whatever bad situation it was that made me leave in the
first place. I thought, “red-flags” or no “red-flags,” I’m going to show that
I’m grown up. I can make him change.
After obtaining
my place in his “bachelor’s pad” amid his other three buddies, I thought I was
on my way to adulthood. After all, I did
get my diploma early. So what if he sells, smokes, eats, breathes, and wears
pot (and only God knew what else), I would be considered Queen of this castle.
That was all a bad dream. This Cinderella found out the hard way that
drugs/alcohol and children don’t mix and never should. I had a hard look at my
life when the cops were called because my husband was beating up the neighbors
for not paying their rents when we were managers of a small apartment complex.
Who should show up at my door but my very owe uncle, a Denver
I stood there
with my baby girl in my arms and knew things had to change. It wasn’t until after I heard my Prince
Charming say to his buddy, (who chose to remind him that he didn’t produce a
boy) that he was going to have a “whole bunch of girls and open a whorehouse to
make a profit.”
Then I realized that the beatings were not
going to end and this man wasn’t going to change. So I did, I
left with her and raced to my mom’s house with him charging after me. I took
refuge at her house and called the police. I followed her well-experienced
advice to a counselor who told me about Legal Aid, Thursday Night Bar
Association. And this counselor told me about a single-mother housing project
in downtown Denver
Now I hope to
help you to get out while you still can or help you if you are already on your
own. You can’t just go on the way it’s been going and think it’s going to get
better and you can’t ignore it, for your children’s sake. No, I’m not perfect
or here to preach to you, talk down to you or tell you how to raise your kids.
But, if there is something in telling one’s own rocky road story, it is to help
someone else down hers. Not many seem to understand where you’re coming from or
where you’re going. On-the-other-hand, I hope to show you some helpful hints,
short cuts, side steps and even some back-alleys in surviving this single
mother life. I’ve been at this for about twenty years. No, you don’t have to do
this the same way I did. But you don’t
have to go through this alone. There is Someone else to protect you and your
children. I’m not talking church or people you think will judge you. They have
no right. I’m talking about Someone who has proven He is real and knows what
you are going through. When it seems like you’re hardest hit, look at those
little faces and know everything’s worth it and that you’re not alone. Not
anymore.
Your friend,
Sheryl L. Knapp
“Keep me safe, O God
for in you I take refuge.”
Psalm 16:1
Dedicated
in Loving Memory to My Dear Friends:
Jacqueline Blecha
November 11, 1960—September 12, 2006
And
her daughter
Ashley
Martin
May
4, 1991—September 12, 2006
With a crack of thunder
And a flash of lightening
Shadows pass into Light.
GOD said, “Enough!
They are Mine.
You cannot hurt them anymore.”
And He took them Home.
CONTENTS
1.
You are a survivor!
A.
Getting a Handle on
things: medically, financially and safely.
B.
You do have options.
2.
God’s love for the
divorced.
A.
Will God love Me If
I’m Divorced?
B.
What does the Bible
say about Divorce?
3.
Relationships.
A.
Good romances verses
bad ones.
B.
God’s Plan is a Good
One.
C.
How to go about it:
Wait on the Lord
4.
Money & Finances.
A.
Emergency funds in
extreme situations, temporary and permanent.
a.
Where to find funds
b.
Money-Saving Ideas
B.
How to get by on your
own.
a.
Child Support Is Kids’ Right
b.
Loans that spell danger
C.
Believe the Lord will
provide.
5.
Legal Matters.
A.
What the laws say when
you need help and where to look.
B.
Child support and
visitation.
6.
Housing.
A.
A safe haven of your
own.
B.
Where do you begin
after a safe house?
C.
The making of a home.
7.
Medical Issues.
A.
Medical help for you
and your children: vaccinations are free!
B.
Insurance, a necessary
tool. What’s out there?
C.
Health problems to
avoid.
D.
Children’s health is
vital—keep them healthy.
8.
Employment.
A.
Do you stay where you
are or find another job?
B.
Great tips on getting
a job and keeping an up-beat, not beat-up attitude.
C.
Starting a home-based
busy and raising a family.
9.
Education.
A.
It’s never too late to
start! Options are open everywhere.
B.
Financial aid to help
you reach for your dreams.
10.
Travel.
A.
How to get around—what
resources are out there to get you going where you need to go.
B.
Travel tips and
vehicle problems.
11.
Self Defense.
A.
What’s the right way
to protect yourself and your children?
B.
What has happened to
those who have chosen the wrong way?
C.
Safeguarding your
home, your children and yourself.
12.
Children and Home.
A.
How to put the pieces
back together for them.
B.
Helping them to make
better choices.
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you
are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when
you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk
through fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I
am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel
The Breath of a New Wind
I live for the breath of a new wind
and count each step on a path yet to explore.
You give me life
and hope to yet endure,
granting each minute to sow
through Time’s grace and strife
the seeds You give us to grow.
© Sheryl L.
Knapp, May, 2000
Silent
Prayers
A Single
Mother’s Guide of Hope and Freedom from Abuse
By Sheryl
L. Knapp
“Don’t you know that you, yourselves, are God’s temple and that God’s
Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him; for
God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple.” (1 Corinthians 3:16-17)
Many of us don’t consider ourselves temples, especially
after being treated with violence. The other person didn’t make us feel all
that special, to say the least. And to think we are God’s temple seems strange.
Sure, we’ve heard what some say that they are temples to be worshipped when
they speak out of pride. But to think of someone living inside us sounds like
out of a monster movie, but most people do believe that we have a spirit. Once
you ask God to forgive your for your sins, that you truly believe Jesus is the
Son of God and ask Him to live in you and save you, God’s Spirit can live
inside of you. He is like that warm feeling you can get when you feel love and
are loved. He loves you because He loved you first, even before you ever
heard of Him. That’s why He sent His only Son to us to show us that.
You might feel like you’re not worth love because you’ve
been told that and were hurt. Like me, you may have done things that you’re not
too proud of (things you can’t describe to your children) and they lead you in
the wrong direction. Even through your mistakes, guilt, shame and pain—He knows
you, what’s you’ve done and He still loves and cares for you.
I have felt the same. Once, or even more times, we have
turned from Him and gone our own way. We all have done the same. We are like
children who want what they want when they want it. Nothing else will do. He
knows this but He is a true Father who will never leave you, and who will be there
when you turn back to Him. He loves you and will forgive anything and
everything you have done, if you ask Him and stop doing those things. Anything
and everything!
Why? Because Jesus paid that price for every sin we all
have committed or even thought of, (and for everyone throughout history) long
before we were even born. Totally!
God finds you beautiful—just as you are. No, you didn’t
plan things to go the way they did. Neither did He. Yet things happened the way
they did. None of us are puppets; we do what we want. Pride was, and is, the
original sin despite what the world has told you.[2]
When bad things happen, it is the result of more than one person’s actions. In
our case, our partner’s actions added the trouble or we choose the wrong guy (I
know how that hurts), which resulted in devastation. Each of us is responsible
for our own actions and choices. God did not want what happened to you.
However, He will be here to help you and heal you from this and teach you to
turn to Him before you go down that road again. Trust Him now. You are not
alone. God has helped millions through this same situation. Even when we choose
the wrong kind of guy, He will love and protect you.
I used to think that the Bible was written by men to use
against women or to promote themselves but I read it and I have found that untrue.
Each time Jesus (or God in the old Testament) came into contact with a woman
who needed His help, and wasn’t against Him, He helped her in gentle ways. One
woman came to Jesus when she had been sick with menstrual hemorrhaging for
twelve years, she thought is she just touched His robe that she would be
healed. She did but He called her out on it. He wasn’t being mean; he just
wanted her to come to Him for forgiveness and to speak gently to her. “Jesus
turned and said to her: “Take heart, daughter,” He said, “your faith has healed
you.” Matthew 9:22 NIV Then He brought a dead girl back to life!
Another woman came and wept over His feet, anointed them
with expensive oil, and dried them with her hair. She was a woman whose sin
wasn’t specified but Jesus said “she has loved much.” Luke 7:44-50 He gently
spoke to her and said she was forgiven. This one always gets to me because I
feel He has forgiven for the same thing.
Another woman was “caught” in an act of adultery (of coarse
they didn’t catch the guy) and the crowd but He stood up for her and sent the
crowd away.
“If any of you are without sin,
let him cast the first stone at her.” Again He stooped down and wrote on the
ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones
first, until only Jesus was left, the woman still standing there. Jesus
straightened up and asked her, ‘Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned
you?”
“No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you.”
Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”
(John Chapter 8 verses 7b-11)
Chapter One
Getting a Handle On Things
As a gentle breeze
Whispers through the tickling leaves
of a new born tree
And as they shutter in the open Dawn,
God is whispering to you—
Telling you that it’s alright,
He is here for you.[3]
If there was any time to focus, it’s now! Find out what
your options are for a place to live. Where can you go? How are you going to
feed your children? What is out there to help you? Where do you start?
These are important questions. Traveling this road you’re
on is a very hard one but you can do this! Remember, you’re not alone. God does
love you and will be with you to open the doors to the path He wants you to
take. He loves you and won’t take you down a path that will hurt you. I had the
questions that may going through your mind running through my mind too when I
left my husband who was abusive. Where am I going to go? Who is going to help
me? How am I going to do this? The local women’s shelter is just one of the
best places, or find somewhere where you and your children will be safe. I know
this can be hard but pray first and God will show you the answer if you listen.
My mother worked for the city government so she took me to
a counselor who helped city employees and their families. She helped me to know
where to start. I was 21 and clearly unaware of what organizations were out
there to help me. My ex husband made me feel so alone and friendless that I
thought that I was helpless. However, this counselor had heard my story many
times before.
Where
do I go when I need help?
Start this process in your new life the right way. Prayer
is imperative! He will guide you and protect you. After going
through the horror you’ve been through, it’s nice to feel Someone is always
near you and that you’re not alone. I know all this hurts now, but God got me
and countless others through this and He can get you and your little ones
through this, too. I know what you may be thinking, “Why? He didn’t answer my
prayers before! He didn’t help my spouse change!” or “All this religion stuff
makes me nervous. It is made up of people who want to tell me what to do!” or
“Praying makes me feel weird. No one else I know does, why should I? It all
sounds too freaky!” I thought the same thing.
Then I felt His presence once I got used to praying by
myself and not even telling anybody. I felt comforted and then protected and
even healed after a long time. But I have healed and I have become stronger.
Don’t let anyone make you feel small and unimportant. Start now to feel
stronger and find help through Him and the people He has put into place to help
you.
What do you do first? Call 911, if
you’re in serious trouble. Ask the operator what you should do in your particular
situation. Stay calm at least enough to talk or it won’t help them to help you.
She or he will contact the police or an ambulance if your situation calls for
it. Your situation has value enough to call for a plan of action; no one has
the right to say it doesn’t. I have had a neighbor pounding on my living room
window in the middle of the night pleading for someone to help her because she
was stabbed three times, beaten up and choked on and off for three hours trying
to get away from her boyfriend. The neighbor had to leave her baby girl in the
same apartment with the boyfriend and he had broken the phone. God came to her
rescue!
My small neighborhood banded together and we all called the
police so they were well aware of the situation. One of my neighbors had opened
her door as I got to my window and let the barely dressed woman in. The police
got there but not before the other guys in our little community chased the
boyfriend out the door, over a fence and down the block. The baby girl didn’t get
hurt but she was scared and took months to get over it. I believe her guardian
angel watched over her. In the end, the boyfriend went to jail, she has healed
and is married to a Christian guy and they have had more children. No kidding!
That may not always be the case for everyone, but you
deserve to be free from fear. Pull your resources, as they say. I
had friends from high school help me get my things moved out after my ex was
served divorce papers. He wasn’t there but had his boss there. I only took what
belonged to my baby and me. Who do you know you can depend on for help? Think
of the ways in which that person or those people can help you. If you are
unsure, pray and God will make those options open to you. He IS real and He
will help you!
Ask yourself these questions to see what you need for you
and your children now. Prioritize! Know where to go and what comes first!
1.
Do you (or your
children) need medical attention?
2. Do you have
someplace safe to stay or have you escaped to a place that person doesn’t know
about?
3. Are your
children safe?
4. e you
“broken up” with that person? This one can be hard but you two need space
apart. Keep your plan to yourself if you have to.
5.
Has the abuser
been arrested? This may not always be the case unless you press charges against
him, have solid evidence if you do.
6.
Do you have
friends who can get things like food, money, clothing (even borrowed) or things
for you and your children for you while you remain safe? Leave your things
behind if you have to, if anything you can get a friend to get them later when
the abuser isn’t home.
7.
Do you have
legal help?
8.
Counseling
isn’t for crazy people; it can help you focus on your feelings and what crazy
things the abuser was doing. Do you have a counselor? It can help to get
someone, who isn’t a friend, to help you think and they might know where you
can find the things you need. Like I said, a women’s shelter can be a good
place to start. Your feelings DO matter so find a professional to sort them
out!
9.
Do you have
someone you trust to stay with you and your children?
10.
Is there a safe
place you can leave your children if you need to go to places that would be
difficult for the abuser to go to?
11.
Is your bank
account in your name only? Can you call the bank or creditors to protect
yourself from his abusing your credit or financial obligations?
12.
Do you have
reliable transportation, a car or public bus?
13.
Do you know of
places you can get help with food, shelter (your own place) counseling, money,
legal help, medical help for you or your children, or help with medical bills?
14.
Remember to think:
“You go, girl!” And try to keep an up beat, not beat-up, attitude. You are
going through something scary and you and your children deserve to be safe!
Answering “no” to any
of these questions can give you an idea of what you need to do to create a safe
life for yourself and your children. You are not alone. Others have been
through this kind of nightmare, too. This situation is not your fault!
You don’t have time for negative statements, destructive actions or placing the
blame. The first thing you need to do is get yourself and your children safe.
Don’t panic, there are people out there who are real, caring and able to help
you. When I was going through my living nightmares, I asked God to help me and
He did.
What is the second thing you can do? There is a Victim’s
Advocate, most likely at the police station that knows how to help you and your
children. Call a women’s crisis shelter. A crisis center can help you with
everything you need to do and give you information on the subjects listed I’ve
included in this book. Find the number in the phone book. If you or your
children don’t need medical attention, call their hot line or 911 (tell them
what’s going on, if you are in danger, need medical attention, or even to ask
how you can get to a local shelter) to find out what the number is. Don’t feel
ashamed, embarrassed or that you will bother the police, that’s why they are
there. They understand and have seen this situation more times than you think.
I know how the abuser has programmed your mind:
first he tells you it’s your fault that you are going through this, next he
will tell you or make you feel like you are alone. You are not alone. And this
is NOT your fault!
I know all this
hurts down to your soul. You may even feel you could change him (or her, some
fathers have gone through have gone through this too) and that he could still
change. That can’t be your worry right now. Right now, you have to think of
your children and your life. God can change anyone but you can’t. Dreams die
hard but now you need to separate from this abusive person. So let
God handle him while you follow God to take care of you and your children.
Money
If you are having financial trouble, the best place to
start is the Social Services in your area. When I went through this process, I
didn’t have the Internet to help. You can try that first; it has everything!
The first step for me, after prayer, was to go to Social Services. You may not
have to go that direction if you have the resources, use them! Go where God
shows you. Those opportunities will come up.
I didn’t have any resources so I had to go on welfare and
food stamps. I know what you may be thinking: “not me! I don’t want to look
like a welfare washout!” Well, you don’t have to if you have some money of your
own that the abuser doesn’t know about. Otherwise, this is only the first step
in a temporary situation. If you need help with feeding your children and
finding either a place to live or getting some financial help, this is the
place. It is also a good idea for Medicaid to care for the medical finances for
your children, if you don’t have any. Anything is better than being on those
streets with your babies. I couldn’t rely on anyone else, except God. He showed
me this way.
Childcare
and work
When talking to Social Services, be polite and ask if there
are any programs to help you out with childcare and getting a job, if you don’t
already have one. If your ex is harassing you at work, (mine kept coming in to
the pizza place I was working at and getting loudly drunk) get a restraining
order so you won’t have to get another job, unless you feel that would be the
best way. A counselor might suggest that you get another job so your ex won’t
know where you’re working. Also, a good idea may be to get your childcare in a
place your ex doesn’t know.
Legal
Help—things can get ugly
If you have a lawyer already, tell him or her everything
you are doing to get a better life for you and your kids. Don’t get into
another relationship at this time or go partying because the children’s father
can use this against you in court. You ex’s lawyer may use this against you
saying you are provoking him, are a bad parent and keeping him from his
children. I don’t think the Court could hold it against you if you feel your
children may be in danger if they go with their father. Just keep this all in
mind and talk with your legal representative. You can settle the custody of the
children later when you feel they are safe. Find out what your state’s law is
from the library. I put more information in Chapter 5 on Legal issues.
When registering your children at a childcare
place, mark down that the child’s father (or the abuser) does not have the
right to pick them up if you have a restraining order. Many places know about
this kind of problem and they will understand. Just think that you are in a
witness protection program. The principles are the same, at least until you
find legal help to put custody rights in place.
If you have reached steps 4 or 5 above, the next step is to
set yourself up as an independent person. Some of you may think that sounds
lonely and hard but it’s nothing compared to what you’ve gone through! Look at
the next steps as temporary help until things in your life get better for you
and your children. I am explaining this process to those of you who have gone
through what I have gone through and how God lead me to safety.
My plan was: to get out and get help anyway I could. Some
women who have gone through these same things have suffered worse. Like I said,
I lost a friend who was murdered with her teenage daughter by her husband (not
the girl’s father). She didn’t listen to anyone who told her to get help and
stayed with him, even with his drinking. Alcohol turns to vinegar in some
people, which turns into something like a demon or makes them a monster.[4]
I hope this is not your case but if it is, remember you’re not alone and God
can protect you. Call on Him and He WILL save you. Don’t wait until it is too
late!
Many
say they can’t hear Him. I’ve been through that and find the only way I can
hear Him is to listen well and watch the opportunities He shows you. He has conquered
the devil and He can do it for you.
If you
can’t find another way than the shelter, relax and tell yourself this is
temporary. Call Social Services and ask to set up an appointment or how you can
get an application for welfare, whatever they are calling it now. They can help
you find an apartment complex for subsidized housing, get a food stamp card and
get some money you can start on and any other programs that are set up to help
you. Don’t worry what other people may think. You are there to get what you and
your children need to survive. Ask for programs that give out free food and/or
places that help with childcare if you need it to get a job.
Furthermore, there are organizations to help you handle all
this. The above government organizations are only a start. Legal Aid is part of
what’s called The Thursday Night Bar Association, which means they take cases
like this that qualify you to get legal help for custody matters, divorce
situations and abuse charges and they may not charge you. If they do, it will
be a very low fee. This advice is for others like I was who didn’t have the
money to protect my daughter and me through our own nightmare.
If you have the money, you may get better help then
we got or if you have someone to turn to, that is a blessing. There are also legal firms who will take your
case for a lower fee, charge “pro-bono” (paid when you get paid from the case
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pro_bono) or have payments programs. In
any situation, you are going to need legal help. Your ex may be like mine was
and get his relations to help him so you’d better be prepared. I know this is
scary but not as scary as what you’ve been going through. Remember, God loves
you and He is with you.
Whether you go through the
Internet or Social Services, find out as many options as you can to help you.
There are more than you think! Recently, I searched through the Internet and
found out how one can find grants available for housing. (See Chapter Six)
If you don’t qualify or are having trouble with Section 8, find out what
apartments accept Section 42. This was news to me! This program sets rent rates
at your income. Check out HUD.com for more information! No one will tell you
these programs are out there. You’ve got to find them. I’ll give you as
much information as I can to help you. Advice: Keep copies of everything and
keep all your information in one place so you can refer to it quickly if you
need to.
Simply put, God
knows what you are going through. Trust
in His guidance to lead you to a safe place.
The time I left my husband was about the scariest time I can remember,
so I know what you’re thinking. “You’ve got to be kidding. Run? He knows
everything. He’ll find me and that will be it!”
I thought the same thing. I felt that he knew for certain
what I was up to. He always played is music too loud, smoked his pot and drank
his beer. It felt like he was daring me to say something so he could beat it in
to me that he was the boss and, though married, was still free to do as he
pleased, even with a baby in the house. My counselor at the Women’s Crisis
Center told me that he was a textbook case. Most cases of domestic abuse start
with a guy who is so caught up in himself that he is jealous of his own baby
because he wants your attention. Ridiculous isn’t it? My ex wanted the
attention so much that he fried eggs when I was pregnant (and after) because it
nauseated me.
What finally helped me realize even through the beatings
was his not-so-subtle ways of planning my daughter’s future. Seeing that I went
through some scary situations with drugs, dealing, older gangs of “families”
and that when I was 18 he took me to a topless bar and told me to get a job.
Now, he went as far as telling is buddy, who had teased him for having a girl
not a boy, what his plans for her future were.
“So you had a girl,
huh?” His friend teased.
He retaliated with, “Yeah, I’m gonna have a whole bunch of
them and start a whore house and make a profit.”
That thought was what hit me so hard and made me make up my
mind to leave him. After that was said, I knew he wasn’t going to change.
Another thing that bothered me was that he wrote “Dani’s first centerfold”
under a picture of the bare bottom picture we all take of our children laying
on their tummies.
So, after one of the many times he told me to go to my
mother’s house if I didn’t like what he did, I stuffed as much clothes and
things into my diaper bag and walked to the bus stop. With her in my arms, I
thought for sure that he was following me and that he was going to kill me or
take my baby and run so I’d never find her. He had often sworn that he would
kill me and probably my family. I wanted to protect them by staying with him
but he didn’t hurt them or me sense he wasn’t on his own turf and there where
neighbors who could challenge him and call the police.
I don’t remember if I had any money for the bus, everything
was too scary to think straight, but I got to the bus stop and waited for it to
come. I continually looked over my shoulder to see if he was storming up behind
me like he had so many times before. It was the longest afternoon of my life.
To relief of my anguish, a friend of my mother’s, Ernestine, pulled up to the
bus stop and asked if I needed a ride. She took me to my mother’s house without
any objection. She was my guardian angel!
Prayer, girlfriend, is the always the first thing
you should do. God understands if you have to pray without speaking or go into
a closet to do so. He also knows what you are going through. He has seen what your husband or boyfriend is
putting you (and your children) through. He also knows what it feels like.
Jesus was beaten and humiliated just as we have been. He also had to go as far
as being staked to a cross to fulfill our Father’s Plan of salvation. Human
sacrifice was more widespread then we’ve heard. Capital punishment was a daily
happening in all areas of the world.
Jesus went through more than you and I have gone through.
He could have called ten thousand angels to help Him but Jesus laid His life
down for us, willingly, to show us we are loved by God and that He is the only
One who could have paid the price for our sins. But, thankfully, the story does
not end there and neither does it end for you! Call out to Him, he will help
you find a safe place and shelter you. I have met many other women who have
gone through what we both have and their stories are about the same. Some have
lived but some died when they stayed.
The cycle of abuse will never end if you don’t get help.
After an attack, things settle down. First it is a “honeymoon period,” then the
tension mounts until there is an explosion for anything he can find wrong. Next,
he shows remorse for his actions and the “honeymoon” starts all over again.[5]
There are crisis centers, shelters and counselors who have been trained to help
you and other in this type of situation. They understand and know how to help
you escape the Big Bad Wolf who is on your side of the door.
Remember
When you call Social Services
or a counselor, expect to answer tough questions. They have heard worse,
believe me. Tell them exactly what’s going on. They will tell you what you can
do or where you need to go and who to talk to. If you need to get out of the
place you are in, they will provide a place for you. I have been to those
shelters. No one in the entire neighborhood knows that the house they have is a
safe house. If they did, no one is going to tell your “old man” what it is. If
by any chance he finds out, the place is highly protected, locked, monitored,
and known by the police. I know you love him but you can’t change him. If he
changes, it will be because he gets help. Think of your children and you safety
first. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself to keep this guy from hurting
anyone. The Police are there to protect you. God is with you if you let Him
show you the way. They even have a program now to give you a cell phone in case
of emergencies only.
Once you’ve established a safe place to live at, you will
need to put another plan into action.
Finding food, financial help and medical insurance is next. While you
can ask friends and family, as I did, you might want to consider getting help on
your own so that the feelings of resentment or obligation don’t crop up between
you and him or his family. If you haven’t a way to support yourself and your
children, go to the Social Services department in your county. They will help
you with what programs will help you get what you and your children need. I
know you may think this is totally unacceptable or you never wanted to this or
wanted charity. But when an emergency comes up like this, you need to supply
your children with what they need. Medical costs come with raising children and
Medicaid can also pay for child counseling. This doesn’t have to be a long-term
situation. This is just for now. They have to be safe and they have to heal
too, both inside as well as out.
You may think I don’t know what I’m talking about. I don’t
know the people you’re dealing with. Or, you may think that my situation wasn’t
like yours. Well, to be truthful, I don’t. My situation involved more than just
a man. He had his friends who watched me. And his drug dealing business went
farther than I knew. I found out that it went internationally. So I felt I had
to plan my escape.
My ex husband kept yelling at
me to go to my mother’s and so that’s where I went. I gathered up as much as I
could put in a diaper bag, wrapped up my baby girl and walked out of the door.
I felt sure he would come bull dowsing after me but I looked like I was just
going for a visit. He was blaring the stereo, as we called them then, and
entertaining a neighbor in the kitchen. He had finally given me a wedding ring
(used an old one from childhood for my wedding) he had got from a neighbor
friend whose wife had received it from her first husband. We had been married
for a little over a year. I gave it back because I knew he would never have
paid them for it and that our marriage was over. I cried as I walked home but that was the
first step in saving myself and my child.
As
I walked through the neighborhood to the bus stop, I kept glancing over my
shoulder to see if he was following. I was surprised that he wasn’t. He had
convinced my young mind that he knew everything I was thinking or that was
going on in the world. He was six years older so I had believed him. Now was
the first time it dawned on me that he really couldn’t know everything. Maybe
there was Someone who was watching over me and may even protected me from him.
At the bus stop, every bit of me was shaking when I
saw one of my mother’s friends, Ernestine, drive up to me and offered me a
lift. Until this day, I don’t remember if I even had money for the bus, but
here she was saving my daughter’s life and mine! She took me straight to my
mom’s. Only after I stayed there a few days, did my ex-husband find out what I
was doing. I had seen the counselor and filed for divorce with Legal Aid. When
someone is serving him the papers, I advise you that you and your children to
be far away when that happens.
Here is a verse that you can pray to God about to
show you how He can help you when you have accepted His beautiful gift of His
Son:
“If then you were raised with
Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the
right hand of God. Set your mind on thing above, not on things on the earth. For
you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ Who is
our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.
Therefore, out to death your
members which are one the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil
desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Because of these things the wrath
of God is coming upon the sons of disobedience, in which you yourselves once
walked when you lived in them. But now
you are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language
out of your mouth. Do no lie to one another, since you have out off the {old
self} with {those} deeds, and have put on the new {self} who is renewed in
knowledge according t to the image of Him who created {woman, man}, where there
is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcised nor uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian,
slave nor free, but Christ is all in all.”
I wanted
to point out a few things in these verses. First, the part about dying, that’s
about your old self and now you are a new creation and it is why Christ tells
many and you now that “your sins are forgiven you.” That in itself is a reason
to rejoice because it doesn’t mean your dreams and hopes are dead, it means
your old sins are dead to God now! Another wonderful word in there is “hidden.”
This has made me feel safe that I am hidden in Christ and the evil in this
world (like my ex was) can’t get me anymore. So, ask Him to save you and your
children and He will.
The rest of it is very interesting
and I put it in here to simply remind us that no matter who we are, were told
we are, we are saved and have become a new creation through the power of the
Creator! The Bible I am using here is Nelson’s New King James Study Bible
(copyright 1997 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.) which is a Bible I like to study
because it explains things below in the verses. I have never heard what a
“Scythian” was? Is it someone who comes from a place near Italy ? No, it
means someone who is an uncultured person who came from the area around the Black Sea . So, this basically includes everybody who
believes.
Blow on
through the night sky
Winds blow and demand attention
of those
Who are curled up in bed to
sleep,
Blow and worry, wrinkle
other boughs
For you’re only a lullaby to
me.
Blow on through the night
sky--
As a marauder leaps and
bounds--
But I have no fear of thee…
My Lord is Lord and He
watches over me.
What’s this? You stop so suddenly.
Have I broken your spell?
Nay, ‘tis but a frightened
lull;
Yet I fear thee not, so
“Cry on, cry on,” as they
say,
be as the Watcher by the
Well.”
No! I say to puzzled unseen
eyes,
I will not sway!
My Lord is the Lord
And He is on His way.
So sleep I now,
And lay down this wearied
head;
Beat on, beat on against my
window
For I shall not stir from my
bed.
© Sheryl L. Knapp, 2000
Gleensk wood, Ireland
Chapter Two
God’s Love for the Divorced
Will
God still love me after I am divorced?
You may doubt God loves you. Many
people have felt this way throughout history, even in the Bible. “Why would God
love me; I’m far from being a saint?” “Why would He let me go through all this
if He loved me? “How can He help me when
I have nothing to give Him?”
If I
get or am divorced, won’t that break His rules? Would He hate me for getting
divorced?
I have asked these same questions. It took a
long time of study, church member support and nights of crying while I prayed,
but I learned that even though I’m divorced and definitely not perfect, that He
still loves me! He loves you, too! One thing that was hard for me to do was to
actually talk to Him admit that I am not perfect. I felt silly and awkward and
scared that I’d get hurt like when I said something to my ex but eventually I
found myself praying to Him for guidance as well as for protection and
provision for my family’s needs. Praying for protection came easily but help
and guidance were difficult for me to admit. Prideful as I am, I’ve always
tried to do things my way and depend on only myself.
Learning to ask for help and letting God and people around
me help me was a long learning process. Eventually I’d let go and let God help.
Sometimes you have to pray about it and sit back and watch how He works and go
where He instructs you.
So how can He love us when we are not perfect? Again, I’ve
studied this pondering question for years! Yet the simple answer is that a
truly loving Father is going to love His child no matter what; not because of
anything we did but what He sent His Son to do for us so we can come back to
Him. He can forgive you no matter what you’ve done.
I’ve talked to people who have studied the whole Bible and
have gone through school (called seminary) to learn of its entirety and other
books explaining the history and places. It is not full of contradictions, as
you may have heard. People who say that, haven’t read the Bible. Throughout the
bible, God illustrates that He loves us.
He gave Adam and Eve everything they needed to live on, things
like food and clothing. Yet, they (and we) wanted to be more and have more. So,
both of them, not just Eve as men like to just blame her, sinned against God.
“You will not surely die,’ the serpent said the woman, ‘for
God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be open and you will be like
God, knowing good and evil.’ When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was
good for food and pleasing to the eye, also desirable for gaining wisdom, she
took it and ate it. She also gave some to her to her husband, who was with her,
and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized
they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for
themselves.” (Genesis 3:4-7)
The original sin is pride.
Yes, God gave them and us a pretty hard punishment with death, pain and hard
work but He provided for them any time and anything they asked for as long as
it was in keeping with His love. He did not stop loving them, nor has He
stopped loving you.
Another example is in the story of Elijah as his career as
a profit was coming to an end. He traveled a long way without food and water
until he came to a widow with a son. She was down to her last bit of flour and
oil for making bread. She also didn’t have any money. Sound familiar? Elijah
knew God had brought him to this woman for a purpose. He was very hungry (and
there was a lesson they both had to learn) so he asked her to make him some
bread first. She was reluctant at first but felt beyond hope that she and her
son where going to die anyway so she said she would make him a cake of
unleavened (no yeast) bread. The culture at the time was demanded that one had
to care for visitors at all costs. I think
they were far from other people and couldn’t get help.
To her surprise, when she went to make the bread, the flour
and oil didn’t run out! Likewise, as Jesus fed the multitudes with a little
boy’s lunch of bread and fish, miraculously, it didn’t run out until they were
all fed. God can provide for you and your family, too! He loved your first so
He is going to take care of you as long as you listen to Him and not go into
bad situations or listen to bad people telling you lies.
Do you know what he asks of
us? To remember before we get into trouble, to ask Him for help when we are in
trouble and to keep away from the same bad situations and men or people that
got us into that trouble. He set up the main family idea with Adam and Eve to
have a dad and a mom and this is embedded into our inner mind early on. Our
children learn it or already have it in their heads that it is normal (whether
we like it or not or agree with it or not) and this comes through their lives.
Hopefully, we all can grow up in a loving environment or, like me, it can have
problems. 
With these set ideas in their
little minds, they will expect a lot of the world and of us. I’ve seen little
boys grow up angry, bitter and resentful because their mommy let someone into
the house and let him spend the night in her bed (that wasn’t that boy or the
daddy). These little guys feel helpless but fell a very strong desire to
protect their mothers, their homes and their families when there is no big man
to do the job. Now, this guy comes into the house, gets too mom’s attention and
maybe acts friendly but leaves or is separated from these little guys lives and
the same thing all over again. Different man, same feelings—maybe even more
intense because they are still hurting from the dad’s leaving.
I can’t tell you everything
will be perfect and turn out like the fairy tale. We’ve lived in a nightmare
and know that life isn’t perfect. I gave up trying to find love in this worldly
way of sleeping before marriage. It never proved to be the right way and it not
only hurt me but also my little girl. I also worried about her welfare after
she took a picture of one of the guys I was seeing while he was looking at her.
Creeped me out so I told him to hit the road! She was nine years old.
This is why I wrote about
these verses I’ve included so you will know that the Lord is trying to warn us
to stay away from that situation and what happened in the Bible regarding
divorce and how the Lord felt betrayed Himself.
There are issues about
divorce that the Bible explains and I’d like to make them clear. No, the Bible
does not look on the subject lightly but He doesn’t condemn those who are faced
with that situation. God knows what divorce is like. When Israel
Many times, Israel
"By the roadside you sat waiting for lovers,
sat like a nomad in the desert.
You have defiled the land
with your prostitution and wickedness.
3Therefore
the showers have been withheld,
and no spring rains have fallen.
Yet you have the brazen look of a prostitute;
you refuse to blush with shame.
4 Have you not just
called to me:
‘My Father, my friend from my youth,
5 will you always be
angry?
Will your wrath continue forever?’
This is how you talk,
but you do all the evil you can.” [6]
I am giving examples of divorce because it is not the plan
God had for us. He wanted us to be happy and married and to have children
without living in fear. You may not have followed Israel ’s example to get to where
you are. My plans got all messed up, too! Any person can find himself or
herself in our situation regardless of what we have done. True, we have gone
our own way instead of God’s, so that is why I’m giving this example.
In the Book of Jeremiah in the Old
Testament, the Lord was angry with Israel Israel
and certificate of divorce but forgave the people of Israel Israel
Unfaithful Israel
6
During the reign of King Josiah, the Lord said to me, “Have you seen what faithless Israel Israel Israel Judah
11 The Lord said to
me, “Faithless Israel is more righteous than unfaithful Judah
“‘Return, faithless Israel
‘I will frown on you no longer,
for I am merciful,’ declares the Lord,
‘I will not be angry forever.
13 Only acknowledge your guilt—
you have rebelled against the Lord your God,
you have scattered your favors to foreign gods
under every spreading tree,
and have not obeyed me,’”
declares the Lord. Jeremiah 3:1-13
Do you hear what He’s saying? I’m not here to wag my
finger in your face. I’ve been there and can’t judge you! I’ve been there so I
have no right. Now I have realized that the life I was leading went nowhere.
All I found was pain in living with drug dealers, prostitution rings,
“families” that say they’ve got your back and they run out on you when it’s you
that the cops have in the headlights.
So we turn from those ways because He
knows that they can hurt us. Why would we continue to do things that are bad
for us when God has seen it all, and knows how bad things can get? How truthful
can we be to Him and expect Him to bless us if we don’t keep it real to Him in
the first place? Remember that God is Holy, meaning separate from sin, so He
can’t be around unholy things or situations. IF we aren’t sinning, He can be
near us.
When I started attending church again, I found the New
International Version more understandable as you might.[7] This is just the first situation the Bible
speaks of about divorce.
While God’s plan for us did not include divorce, He has
advised against it, nor would I advocate for it, God will forgive you for it
and leaving a man who beats you or whatever the situation.
Where does that leave us? I believe it is the statement
about a “certificate of divorce” that tells us that God meant for people to
stay together as they had made their commitment to God as well as each other.
But one must read the whole Bible to understand the will of God for believers
to lead happy lives. If the man in your life has hurt you, he betrayed both you
and God. You need to keep those kids safe. He will show you how to take care of
them and yourself.
Jesus knows how it feels to be brayed someone because
His friends cut out on Him in the garden before He was arrested. They took off!
I’ve learned to trust Him because He’s been there and He’s helped me out by
bringing in people into my life when I’ve needed them the most. It all comes
together and looks more real when you’re a mother. Doesn’t it? Those men don’t
seem to be standing by your side now. He still is. He’s there for you and your
children because He not only gave you those children but He loved you before
you even knew of His Name. If you follow what He’s telling you, He’ll not take
off on you. Ok, He’s pretty hard when talking to Israel
“…for I am your
husband. I will choose you—one from a town and two from a clan—and bring you to
Like I said, Jesus knows the feeling of being betrayed as
Judas betrayed Him. Likewise, your former spouse betrayed not only you but also
God and your children. He was to be faithful to us and treat us with respect.
“Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
And
remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
For your Maker is your husband—
The Lord Almighty is His name—
The Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
He is called the God of all the earth.
The Lord will call you back
As if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—a
wife who married young,
Only to be rejected,’ says your God.
‘For a brief moment I abandoned you, {because of our sinful lives}
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
In a surge of anger
I hid my Face from you for a moment,
But with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,’
Says the Lord,
your Redeemer.” (Isaiah 53:4-8, emphasis mine)
When you got married, if you got married, you both promised
each other and God that you both you love and care for each other and “not be
harsh” with each other. God can forgive any sin, even divorce. We are
called not to be unevenly yoked to nonbelievers and the Bible says for us to
let them go on their way. Read these verses and pray about them. He will show
you that truth.
Ephesians 5:2 Says 1 Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and live a life of love,
just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and
sacrifice to God.”
“I am the Bread of Life. He who comes to Me will
never go hungry, and he who believes in Me will never go thirsty. But as I told
you, you have seen me and still you do not believe. All that the Father gives
Me will come to Me, and whoever comes to Me, I will never drive away, for I
have come down from Heaven not to do my will but the will of Him Who sent me.
And this is the will of Him Who sent Me that I shall lose none of all that He
has given Me, but raise them up at the last day. For My Father’s will is that
everyone who looks to the Son and believes in Him shall have eternal life, and
I will raise them up at the last day.
Do you hear Him? Listen to Him. He loves you. He will
protect you and your little ones. Listen to me about this. God loves you and
your children. 
Jesus said this to
Martha before He raised her brother, Lazarus, from the dead. I encourage you to
read a Bible; there is so much encouragement that His Word will always bring
you. Both the New King James Version and the New International Version (NIV)
are written in words you can understand. I felt I couldn’t understand the Bible
with all the ‘thee’s and ‘thou’s in it until I went to a church service for
Easter Sunday. Then I picked up a NIV and could not put it down!
During this time, we should live as Children of Light as
discussed in Ephesians 4:17 and not be grieved with people who do not
live a life pleasing to God. He cares for you and will forgive you anything and
everything you have done if you believe in Jesus and ask Him for forgiveness
and to live in your heart.
Take
for example the lesson in John chapter 8 verses 7b-11 because we ain’t
the first, girlfriend:
“If any of you are without sin,
let him cast the first stone at her.” Again He stooped down and wrote on the
ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones
first, until only Jesus was left, the woman still standing there. Jesus
straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned
you?’
‘No one, sir,’ she said.
‘Then neither do I condemn
you.’ Jesus declared. ‘Go now and leave your life of sin.”
As Real as the Glow of His Moon
The moon shines so radiant,
He shows the Way with His Light.
We are never alone as long as we
call His name.
It was on this night He faced our
fears
to give us life and make clear
that His Way
which is as real as the glow of
His moon.
We feel the warmth from His heart
flow through us as His pure Light
for it is the Blood that He shed
for us
like the full moon shows us the
way
through the dark toward Home.
If we follow the Light of God’s
Candle, Jesus,
we can make it through this
darkness.
© Sheryl L. Knapp, April 14, 1995
“For God loved the world
that He gave His one and only beloved Son, that whoever believes in Him will
not die eternally but will live forever with Him. For He did not send His Son
into the world to condemn it but to save the world through Him. Whoever
believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned
already because he has not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. This
is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead
of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light
and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But
whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly
that what he has done has been done through God.” (John 3:16-21)
Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, and you
will be saved. NO JOKE! “That if
you confess with your mouth and in your heart, that is, the word of faith we
are proclaiming: That if you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and
believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For
it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your
mouth that you confess and are saved. As the Scripture says, ‘Anyone who trusts
in Him will never he put to shame,’ (Isaiah 1:9) For there is no difference
between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who
call on Him, for, ‘Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.’
(Joel 2:32).
Don’t just take my word for it. If you have questions,
He WILL help you find someone to talk to. I have even heard my friend tell me
that I need Jesus and later not remember that she said that. Why? Because the
Holy Spirit uses people like that. He can guild you to someone who can answer
your questions. He can work that way but I’d advise you to go and find a good
church that makes you feel welcome. Even if it takes a few of them! The ones
who don’t make you feel welcome will be judged by God, believe me.
“Come now, let us argue this
out,” says the Lord. “No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can remove
it. I can make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as
red as crimson, I can make you as white as wool.” Isaiah 1:18[8]
There are moments
There are moments
in our lives
when it seems our
troubles
are falling down around
us
and we look up and ask,
“why?”
It’s in those moments
when we sit quiet,
feeling defeated
while the snow falls,
God wraps His arms
around us to keep us
warm.
© Sheryl L. Knapp, 1996
Chapter
Three
Relationships
Serious
topic: New Relationships
I know what you’re thinking. “Thanks but I don’t need your advice on
boyfriends or to tell me ‘I told you so,’ like everybody else.” But I’m not going to retell you everything you
may be hearing from well-meaning friends, family or relatives. You’ve heard all of that before. What I’d
like to do here is explain what I’ve seen, so you can make a good choice for
yourself. Many people will tell you, or are telling you, how to run your love
life or who or what you should be looking for. They mean well, but they aren’t
you or going through what you’re going through.
I know the excitement of an attraction and the warm feeling
a smile can give. And I understand how gripping loneliness can feel. No one
should tell you that you should spend the rest of your life alone because
you’re a single parent. All I want to get across to you is that you need to
protect yourself and your children. Don’t settle for just any person. Think how
the relationship will affect you children.
Throughout
my life I’ve been through one type of abuse or another. It started with my
father, some family members and lead to some boyfriends then my ex husband.
Each person had some way of hurting me and used it to the extreme to control
me. Life went on to living one day at a time and dreading each day as it came.
You know what I’m talking about. Sometimes situations can be hard but you don’t
have to live like that. When I discuss “boyfriends” I’m saying whom you should
choose to be with. So if you’re in a situation that hurts you, you don’t have
to stay that way. With any new person, try to make a well thought-out choice.
Give yourself a lot of time. One mistake many make is to think they can change
this guy or that guy, but that type of thinking isn’t sound and can lead to
death. A singing group my daughter likes is Superchick. One of their songs
states, “You need that guy like you need a bowling ball dropped on your head,
which means not at all. You have too much to give to waste your time on him.”
To be very serious though, though
not all problems are fixed when each person in a marriage is a Christian but
Amos 3:3 states: “Can two walk together,
except if they be agreed?” God ordained marriage to be a ‘perfect triangle’ --
God, you, and your spouse. The closer each marriage partner lives to God, the
closer each will live to the other. Such closeness is impossible when
one spouse does not have a personal relationship with God. This is the reason
the Bible says we should not be unequally yoked; read (2 Corinthians
6:14-15).”[9]
I have been on my own, raising my daughter, with the help
of family, friends and mostly God since 1987. I have seen too many
situations where the woman gets hurt, physically hurt. When I moved into a
single parent housing building in the downtown Denver , I heard screaming almost every night.
It even echoed through the ally behind our building so it was hard to figure
out where it was coming from and I was on the fourth floor. Unless it was
coming from the four apartments attached to mine, I couldn’t tell the police
where it was coming from. Not only was I stressed out about what I was going
through after leaving my husband, dealing with the divorce, I had to hear other
women being beaten, stabbed or raped. And I couldn’t do a thing about it but
pray.
That was
a very trying period in my life and the stress of it abused me as well. I got
sick countless times and lost a lot of weight. Loosing weight may be good but
the physical torture was coming from within. I still go through times of hearing
my neighbors getting beaten but I don’t sit by and ignore it like some of my
neighbors did when I was getting beaten. How I wish someone had come to arrest
my ex-husband and help me realize that I didn’t have to live with that fear. So
what I want you to do for yourself is to be very picky when you are looking for
another love. Sound like I’m telling you how to run your life? I’m telling you
that you deserve someone who will love you as you are and not think you are a
toy in some warped power-play game! There was nothing you did to
“deserve” how they treated you! And you are not just picking a love for
yourself now but someone who will be good to you and love you and your kids.
Who you pick will be around them and they have been through too much already to
have to go through it again.
Sure, you can find love again. If you don’t within a
certain time, it does not mean you won’t find love. It just means you are
taking time to heal. You deserve that. Don’t beat yourself up
with thoughts like “I’m too ugly (bad, fat, thin, tall, short, fill in the
blank) to deserve love.” Take all the time you may need to find that
special someone who will be good to you. God did not put you here to make you
someone’s punching bag! Respect yourself
and your children first. God loves you and He IS helping you to get out and
away from that kind of person. He also wants you to ask Him to help you find
that someone who will be good to you and love you the way He made love to
be. A caring for and being kind to one
another is how a relationship should be.
Please don’t get me wrong. God has not
“let” you go through what you have been through because of something you did or
feel or think or are. You set yourself up for that because you chose to be with
that person and something went wrong. But it isn’t your fault nor is it God’s.
I know people don’t like to think or talk about God but I have come to terms
with this sensitive subject. Your relationship with God is what YOU make of it.
He’s there waiting for you to talk to Him.
This also applies to whom you choose to be in love with.
When you consider someone, do yourself and your children a big favor: love
yourself and them enough to know that you both don’t deserve to be hurt or to
fear for your lives so place your priorities right and set your limits high.
Above all, give the relationship time! Start by being friends for a while. I
know the pain of not being comforted physically when things are all crazy right
now but if this new person loves you and wants the best for you, give yourself
the gift of time. It’s time to figure
out your life, your feelings, and your future. Your feelings DO matter!
I have seen so many neighbors go through horrific
situations (like being stabbed, raped, beaten, threatened, etc.) because they
jumped into something quickly or to feel safe. You may not feel like talking to
God right now. But before you decide that you’d be fine without Him and be like
everyone else or “stop having a little fun in life,” give yourself time to
heal, adjust to feeling strong on your own and let Him show you He does love
you. It is not some “cosmic thing” or
mumbo-jumbo that you heard once long ago but isn’t a reality. Things have been
so scary for you. Just give Him a chance. Relying on people can always go wrong
and they can let you down. God works in His time. Some times that can take a
week or a month, or sometimes He can bless your socks off in a blink of an eye!
Yes, laugh if you want to. No one will yell at you now. No one has a right to tell you that you can’t
laugh. I’ve heard those words. Those words were to shut you up tight so you
wouldn’t feel joy in your life because it wasn’t what that person felt was of
importance to him. Believe me; I’ve been
slapped in the face repeatedly while I was on the toilet just for saying a
whisper!
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to
prosper you, not to harm you but to give you hope and a future.”
(Jeremiah 29:11)
What I am saying about God is He knows what has happened
and what is happening and what will happen. He wants you to just trust Him.
Praying can feel weird. I know it can. Talking out loud feels strange. Go into
your bathroom if you want to or somewhere where you won’t be disturbed. You
don’t have to say your prayer out loud. He’ll hear you anyway. He hasn’t been
told to “shut up, I can’t hear the T.V!” He hasn’t been slapped in the face
after saying something that upset that other person and He doesn’t want you to
fear saying things out loud anymore. But He will hear you even if you whisper
or say a prayer to Him in your thoughts. He wants to give you time to heal.
This topic is
sensitive and I’ve tried to speak in general terms for those of you who may be
going through this horrible time with someone. I hope this book can help you, too,
however, I am identifying with those who have been what I’ve been through. So
forgive me if I seem to neglect you. Your feelings are important and what
you’ve been through is just as hard. Under this topic, you can include the
abusive person. I have read and witnessed situations like yours and have been
through abusive situations with a family member. The people may seem different
but the characteristics are all the same and are just as serious. Please find help because you don’t deserve to
live in fear.
“For we do
not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we
have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are -- yet was without
sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may
receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” (Hebrews 4:15-16)
You might be wondering, “What in the
world does this mean?” It is simple: doing what God says isn’t that hard and
His Word makes sense if you read it and do what it says. He says to come to Him
in prayer and He will take on your problems. By “taking on {His} yoke,” you are
simply believing in Him.
I know how you might feel when you hear words that
Christians use when explaining God and a relationship with Him. I felt silly
when I first started praying to Him but that will pass as you feel He is not a
threat as others have been.
Father
God,
As we
approach this season of Thanksgiving, we realize how much we truly have to be
thankful for. Our country, even with its problems is still the greatest in the
world.
The natural beauty You have provided for us, abundant all
around us as we gaze at the moon, stars, sky, and changing colors of the trees
is magnificent.
We thank You for caring for us, even when we may not show
that we care for You or for others.
We thank You for things we take for granted; things much of
the rest of the world consider to be luxuries: electricity, running water,
enough to eat, enough to wear, and shelter.
Most of all, Lord, we thank You for sending Your Son to die
for us. We thank you for the gift of
prayer and we pray for pray for those who are living in fear of their partners
who may allow themselves to be found by God’s divine love. We are faced with
terrible times. There are so many that do not know the goodness of the Lord. Please
protect those who have come to Christ that they will not be mislead or
misguided by false prophets or tempters who teach against You. Please help keep
our own mistakes from causing others to fall. Please help guide us in Your way though
this storm of time. We will continue to pray for blessings for each other and
our children the children of those who need You to see Your Glory. In Jesus’
name we pray, Amen
My Pastor
always said to PUSH. (Pray Until Something Happens).
Lets all PUSH not just for ourselves, or family and friends, but also for all
women who are going through what we are going through. God Bless everyone that
will PUSH with me.
"I have told you these
things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart! I have overcome the world."
(John 16:33)
I Believe
I believe in the promise behind a rainbow,
And the message behind a dream;
The hope within a candle
And in a special Friend, unseen.
Sheryl L. Knapp, May, 2000
|
My own therapy at Women’s Crisis Center taught me that it
was helpful to me to clarify a higher standard of person we should seek when
looking for a marriage partner.
“And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly
realms in Christ Jesus, for it is by Grace you have been saved, through
faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that
no one can boast. For we are God’s
workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in
advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:1-10)
One night, he was holding my baby and beating my head into
the couch. A thousand needles felt like they were going my head after I touched
the spot of my scalp where he had pulled on my hair. During one of his drunken
bouts, he had taken my girl, then a few weeks old, out of her crib and left
when I was on the phone. I didn’t know where she was and I panicked. I looked
out the front door and when I looked out the back, I noticed he was sleeping on
the steep staircase that led to the apartment below with her in his arms. I
stepped lightly down the stairs until I was close to him and I sat down. He
opened his eyes and looked at me. I whispered to him and talked softly to him.
He said he was saying goodbye to his daughter. After a little while, I managed
to convince him to hand me the baby and he did. This was one of the times he
didn’t remember something he had done. Another was when I took a picture of him
when he was happy. He didn’t remember the picture.
God had made a beautiful day with a clear blue sky and a
light breeze the day I left him. And God was with me and kept us safe. I would
never want a couple to divorce or anyone to go through this situation but it
does happen and God did not promise that our lives would be free of pain, but
He will be there to help you through it, whatever it is and no matter where
your heart is, He will meet you and stay with you. Just ask Him. Read the
following verses for inspiration.
“In the same way, count yourselves
dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore, do not let sin reign
in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts
of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness (or to wicked people) but
rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to
life; and offer the parts of your body to Him as instruments of righteousness.[10]
For sin shall not be your master because you are not under law, but under
grace.” Romans 6:13-14 (Then we are not someone else’s slave but safe with God’s protection.)
Ah, so that means you ARE a
princess. Yes, I mean it, a princess!
“What do you think? If a man owns
a hundred sheep, and one wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the
hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he
is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander
off. In the same way your Father in
Heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost.” Says the
Lord Jesus (Matthew 18:10).
A Woman’s Tears
A child cries
When it’s hurt
Or needs something
To fulfill an empty space.
A woman’s tears
Are no different.
They flow in streams
And eddy around
Hurts and into empty spaces.
Seek and you will find
They have no end.
They flow for music
Which has not been played
And for the horizon which does.
The hand may lift the chin
But the stream runth over
With no break in the ice.
| Jesus forgives woman, I took this picture of a window in St. Patrick’s Cathedral, |
||
|
“Come to me, all you who are weary and carry heavy
burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for
I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my
yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
(Matthew 11:28-30)
Chapter Four
Money & Finance
“Give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my
daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown You and say: ‘Who is the
Lord?’ Nor may I become poor and steal and so dishonor the name of my God.”
(Proverbs 30:8 & 9)
Right now, you are taking care of yourself
and your children. After finding a place to stay, money and food should be set
up for your survival. Open a bank account in your name where you are the only
one to access your account. Bankers have heard this before and have no right to
judge you. You might not even have to talk about your situation. If they make
you uncomfortable, go to a different bank! By law, the bank cannot give your
money away without your prior written permission. If you are not sure what the
bank would do if your spouse tries to get your money, ask
them what their policy is for people who are going through a divorce. They have
heard it before and they just might not bring anything into the conversation
regarding the divorce or split up.
By now, you may have learned all about
money and the problems that come with it. What is the next step? That depends
on your situation. At this time you need to think about where you and your
children will live? What resources can you count on? Please find only legal
situations here! The kids are at stake! Where are you going to get money, food,
housing and a bank if you don’t already have one? I had to turn to Social
Services for food stamps (a Quest Card) and housing. If you are in a safe
house, that’s fine. You will need to find another place to live soon.
Your first steps are to notify all banks, credit card
companies and other financial institutions that you and your spouse have had
and tell them you want your name removed from that account. Tell them you’re
getting divorced. After you can get a Separation Agreement, supply them or
creditors with a copy of the Divorce papers or whatever legal papers you have
that show you two have gone your separate ways if they state you do not have to
pay that credit. This can be a scary time, as partners going through a
separation tend to hurt each other so be careful how you ex can hurt you
financially. Set up your own accounts and let that company know you are the
soul person on the account. There are no
laws that say your ex can get your money or use your credit. Tell your attorney
of all your plans and any actions against you by your ex.
The Financial Guide for The Single
Parent, steps to making a working budget or “plan” are:
1.
Compare your spending levels by using a form to fill in
your gross income, tithe (money you donate to the church) and taxes to get your
“spendable” income. I use a spreadsheet
program.
2.
Fill in your fixed expenses, for example: mortgage or rent
(which is first always), telephone, garbage pickup, home/renter’s insurance,
child care (if the same amount is paid every month, including summer) auto loan
payment, auto insurance. Saving even a little each time you get money can make
a big difference when an emergency comes up. I never planned for them and had
to beg for help. You would have a better time of it if you save. Just know that
emergencies will always happen as long as we are living.
3.
Now include all your variable
expenses: food, outstanding debts, utilities (electric, heat, etc.), insurance
(life, health) clothing, medical/dental, savings, gas for your vehicle,
entertainment/recreation (including dining out), and miscellaneous.
4.
Analyze if you have any problems or deficits (mine is
overspending) and determine where you can make cuts to put your money into the
important stuff, like gas and food. If it seems like you can’t do that, figure
out where you can change things or use coupons and make things you made need.
Also check out the Freebies online or thrift shops for clothes or things.
5.
If you’re having trouble figuring all this out (like debts)
go to an organization like Consumer Credit Counseling Services or a Christian
organization. Dave Ramsey has a Biblical perspective on personal finances and
has expert advice. Just don’t pay for these services and make sure they don’t
include their “pay” in a payment schedule. You could probably check out his
book through the library. And always
pray to God about it. I’ve written Him letters on what we need and for help
on debts. He always answers prayer, just keep your eyes open for what His help
could be, check it out with your pastor or with a Christian you can trust. My
biggest problem is balancing a checkbook. Don’t let that discourage you! Record
keeping helps out in many ways, like with caseworkers and court! With hand made
records, though, you have to have them notarized, like at the bank. That
usually doesn’t cost anything.
6.
Find all your cashed checks and statements. This is a must
with some housing authorities. I have kept files in according files that you
can get from Wal-Mart and a box.
7.
Find a good bank or credit union and see if they have
anyone who can talk to you about things. See if you can get a line of credit
for a low amount to help sometimes, just when you need gas or milk when you
can’t find it anywhere else. This has saved me a great deal. Also, see if they
have a system set up that can transfer money from a savings account to checking
if you don’t remember how much you have and might have written a check over the
amount so you don’t get charged. This sucks up money faster than anything. I
know, one year I checked out how much I spent in bounced check charges and it
was over $600! Write down everything!
Find a good bank or credit union and see if they have
anyone who can talk to you about things. See if you can get a line of credit
for a low amount to help sometimes, just when you need gas or milk when you
can’t find it anywhere else. This has saved me a great deal. Also, see if they
have a system set up that can transfer money from a savings account to checking
if you don’t remember how much you have and might have written a check over the
amount so you don’t get charged. This sucks up money faster than anything. I
know, one year I checked out how much I spent in bounced check charges and it
was over $600! Write down everything!
These money matters aren’t as unheard of
as you might think. An article by Angela Bronner, AOL
Black Voices, states: “People will give
you their entire sexual history before they'll give you their credit scores,”
notes Dwight Raiford, a MetLife financial planner based in the New York City
Bronner explains: “experts agree that couples have to talk about money
issues including debt, their spending habits and their financial goals. They
also note that most money problems are not necessarily about money, but fear
and control. It's
answers to questions like these that most experts say can make or break a
relationship. And often times, couples do not take the time to discuss matters
of finance during the dating phase, or even before marriage, even though most
of us have heard that the number one thing couples fight over is money. Fact
is, folks aren't so open with their money, even if they're regularly swapping
bodily fluids or sharing a bed with someone.”
I will explain more about employment and
the legal problems you can face in different chapters of this book.
I’ve
lived without: heat, electricity, water and very little food. The one thing I
will not live without is a place to live. I’ve gone through that, too. I groan
over the memories of being without a vehicle because I was too afraid to get my
driver’s license. They have said, “necessity is the mother of invention,” so
learn to improvise. What ways can you think of to save money? Hey, I’ve even
washed my clothes in a bathtub! And I have lived without hot water or electricity
and heat. Make those your first priorities and you will have the inner-peace
you want.
How do you keep the kids happy?
During the tough times in out nation’s history, mothers
would think of clever ways to bring the family together to share a project, make
something to feed or entertain the family and keep hope alive while creating
traditions to cherish. When my daughter was so bullied and beat up in school
because of her disabilities, I pulled her out and we contacted the school
district to home school. To do this, I had to some up with things to teach her.
I collected material from libraries, home-schooling friends
and advice from experts. I found it both challenging and fun. My daughter
learned more from the one and a half years of one-on-one training then she did
during class at school! Here I’ve given
you some ideas to make family time fun and educational. Check the guidelines
for your state.
“I’m
bored!” This statement is something every parent has dreaded from every age
group of children throughout history. Entertaining children is not only
something we do because we love our children and like to see them happy, it is
also away to teach them how to survive.
Our children suffer more than others in our country.
Poverty levels rise and lead our kids into depression, gang violence,
prostitution and drugs. We need to prepare our children against the temptation,
even in the upper-class or middle class, from doing drugs, getting pregnant
early in life or stealing money, even buying weapons and killing children in
school. You may know as I do what happens at kids’ parties while the parents
are away. I’ve been to parties where kids are drinking the parents’ alcohol and
doing their drugs. My ex was the kind that got the drugs and alcohol for the
teenagers with me!
Well,
be that as it may, we have to take what matters into our own hands and train
our kids right. The Bible says “train a child up in the way he should go and he
will not part from it.”
To do this takes ingenuity because we may not have the cash
to keep them entertained, off the streets and out of trouble. A friend of mine
barrowed the money to get her son into karate lessons because she knew it would
teach him discipline, respect, honor and how to protect himself from the gangs
in public schools. She started him early, about age six or seven. This may be a
good idea for your child and you can check out scholarships programs at a local
recreation center or at school. Make sure you meet and agree with the
instructor to save you and your child from a lot of arguments and heartache.
Money saving ideas: ok, Now Let The Fun Can Begin!
One
of my favorite hobbies is studying the Victorian period. Families in the time
period lived in close quarters and had no electronic devices to entertain
themselves. Because of this, they would pass the time making crafts from
scrapes of advertisements, home-grown flowers, shells from the summer they went
to the beach, and even their own hair they’d make into jewelry! They did
anything to make something clever and beautiful. This same idea was viewed by
many cultures to teach and entertain youngsters.
These crafts I’ve included can be
made and used throughout the year and can be given as gifts—all at low cost.
Use these ideas to create something the family can do together and treasure for
a lifetime and done again and again as a new family tradition! Look for
examples of these ideas under “Gift Ideas” in this chapter. You can find these
ideas and more at your local library.
Ideas I
have found:
Homemade
Food & Stuff for kids!
Projects,
Gifts, & Decoration
Family fun outings like Museums
Postcards from old cards &
Homemade wrapping paper
Thrift stores aren’t for amateurs!
New clothes from old ones or
sheets
Freebies
Share Program,
Food Subsidies, & Food Banks
In Colorado ,
we have a food subsidy program called Colorado Shares, which provides food to
families who need a little bit of extra help. A family may sign up and work for
food by just volunteering a few hours per month and getting some free food.
Find out if your state has a food co-op program.
Homemade Food
To save money, I’ve learned to make my own jam; jellies,
breads and cookies, and they are all freezable! If you don’t want the hassle or
don’t have the time, find some inexpensive mixes and freeze the dough. Making
food together not only teaches your children the value of money and nutrition,
but also can be a valuable time spent having fun!
Projects, Gifts,
& Decoration
Like making food together, children can learn valuable
lessons from making crafts together. Fun ideas can be found at the local
library. It is a good place to expand the imaginations and can get you out of
the house on hot days if you don’t have an air conditioner! (I’ve been there,
done that!)
Museums
The Denver Art Museum has free admission on Saturdays and
be a great place for kids to get ahead in not only art history but history,
geography and social studies. Another great place is the Littleton History
Museum
The holidays can be a most stressful time for a single
parent who doesn’t know how Santa is going to be able to “visit” when the bills
have to be paid. I have learned of many programs that help provide presents and
food when things are tight. Some food banks can offer such a program or the
Salvation Army can help. Also, check with the County Department or local police
force.
There
are things you can do to help teach your little ones the meaning of sharing and
the value of homemade gifts to give or get. Children are blessed with the gift
of imagination and to create things out of almost nothing. Some ideas you can
do to carve the cost out of doing to all is to see what is the most important
ideas and traditions you want to pass along to them. Do you want to teach the
value of sharing the message of Christ and sharing the love the season brings?
Cutting postcards from old cards can be one way. Grandparents love anything
your children can give them. Teachers can help give ideas if you are in short
supply of craft materials. Remember using empty toilet paper rolls for things
in school? At home, we used to make play dough out of salt, flour, water and
food coloring! 
Homemade
wrapping paper is easy with plain brown paper, an apple (or potato to cut into
a shape) to make a stamp and some finger paint. They can also just use crayons
and paper and their imaginations. This can also apply to tree or table
decorations. It doesn’t always have to come from a store to be special.
Gifts Ideas:
1.
Hand-milled soap by
using old soap, herbs or dried flowers, water and a double-boiler (on low).
Grate up soap first.
2.
Pom-poms from
yarn—great as gift decorations!
3.
Shell boxes made by
using inexpensive plain boxes at craft store or hobby sections, shells and
glue.
4.
Snow globes from baby
food jars, glue gun and glue, glitter and miniatures.
5.
Swedish wooden spoons,
painted wooden spoons.
6.
Quilted story blocks
by the more experienced.
7.
Knitting or loop pot
holders from looms, great decorations.
8.
Family scrapbooks or
photo collages.
9.
Fabric flowers in
dolly “tussie-mussies” (bouquets). Use twist ties from bread in the middle of
round pieces of fabric.
10. Candy or “mini-egg” trees for Valentine’s Day, Easter or
whatever.
11. Paper snowflakes.
12. 
Paper
shamrock pinwheels or Independence Day pinwheels out of a square piece of
paper, diagonally cut halfway down each corner and fold and pin to a straw.
Paper
shamrock pinwheels or Independence Day pinwheels out of a square piece of
paper, diagonally cut halfway down each corner and fold and pin to a straw.
13. Homemade cards for Valentines or whenever.
14. Celebrate Easter with coconut nests with candy bird eggs
and Empty Tomb buns made from pop-out can biscuit or cookie dough folded around
a marshmallow and baked until it disappears.
15. Candied apples (I like chocolate) or caramel apples.
16. May Day daisy crowns.
17. Ice Cream Day sundae parties.
18. Thanksgiving centerpieces.
19. Popcorn chains and paper chains for decoration.
20. Make different ethnic foods to celebrate diversity.
Thrift
stores aren’t for amateurs!
I have an aunt who lives in a beautiful home and who saves
money by going to garage sales. Everybody thinks she is rich! I like to go
bargain hunting in thrift stores or used clothing “consignment” shops. They are
shops, which will sell used clothing, shoes or accessories that are in good
condition and spilt the profits with the seller. (Another good idea for making
money!) I have found some really nice
things.
Make
new clothes from old ones or sheets.
My mom made a dress for a play at my daughter’s school from
a pink flat sheet. I used to cut off her pants and sew on lace to shorts for
summer when she wore out the knees.
Always be on the
lookout for freebies!
I find many
online from sites that advertise free samples or coupons. It saves money and
you can try some new things. It’s always a good idea to save money on baby
items like diapers and wipes. The only thing you have to watch is the extra
email or junk snail mail that can come from giving out your address. I strongly
recommend a post office box. It does cost a bit each year to have a
small one and the post office has trash bins in the building. Some online
carriers have spam controls to help cut down on unwanted email. Oh, and don’t
give out important personal information!
Carpet stores for sample mats. When
I was home schooling my daughter, we learned of an art project from our friends
at church that made doormats and floor mats to paint designs on with fabric
paint from samples of carpet from carpet stores. You may find a carpet store,
which will give you old sample mats they may be throwing out anyway. You can
also ask to purchase them for 50 cents if they seem stubborn. I learned this
at my church from the program Mothers of PreShoolers, or MOPS. Check out
this program at your church (or it can help you check out one) and what crafts
you can find. The program is excellent and a way for you to get out of the
house and provides babysitting at the church for a small fee or there are
scholarships.
Medicine samples
can be found at the local pharmacy for headache medicine and cold remedies for
kids, just keep an eye out! Ask your primary care physician if he or she has
any for the medicine they are prescribing. At stores, always look for tempered
packages or sneaky schemes from websites.
You can go to
your local library to get online. One of the latest websites is Craigslist.com.
Look under your city then under the title “shopping,” there is a link to free
or almost free stuff like furniture, baby clothes, even electronics!
I’ve recently
found a great author, Joey Green[13], who writes interesting
books about how everyday brand-name products can be used for more than what
they were intended for, including ideas for science experiments to teach the
kids! He has written books titled: “Paint Your House With Powdered Milk,”
“Potato Radio, Dizzy Dice and More Wacky, Weird Experiments from the Mad
Scientist,” (a sequel to his “The Mad Scientist Handbook”), and “Wash
Your Hair With Whipped Cream.” Fun books with interesting ideas and tested
ideas that work! Check it out! www.wackyuses.com
Money & Finances.
1)
Believe the Lord will
provide.
2)
Emergency funds in
extreme situations, temporary and permanent. Dave Ramsey recommends at least
$500 in a savings account for the single parent. www.daveramsey.com
3)
How to get by on your
own.
Internet Resources:
1.
Employment is a
time-honored tradition The
Basics—10 great strategies to save money http://www.annointed.net/Community/quiet-place-fun-place/37745-10-great-strategies-save-money.html
2. Child Support is the law-- Child Support Is Kids’ Right en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_support
3.
Welfare, work, grants,
budgeting
4.
Your Credit Report
a.
www.ftc.gov/bcp/edu/microsites/freereports/index.shtml
5.
Your Rights Under the
Fair Credit Reporting Act
a.
www.ftc.gov/bcp/edu/pubs/consumer/credit/cre35.pdf
6. Your Credit Billing and
Electronic Fund Transfer Statements
a. www.ftc.gov/bcp/edu/pubs/consumer/credit/cre01.shtm
7.
Your Rights Under the
Fair Debt Collection Practices Act
a.
ptmoney.com/do-you-know-your-rights-under-the-fair-debt-collection-practices-act
8.
Solving Your Credit Problems-- www.daveramsey.com
9.
Five Loans That Spell Danger
a. 
Pawn Shop Loans
Pawn Shop Loans
b. Title Loans
c. High LTV Home Equity Loans
d. Advance-fee Loans
e. Payday Loans = Costly Cash
“Families who play together, stay together.” This is
a famous quote from an unknown source.
It’s All in Your Plan
In those few moments,
after I’ve cried my tears
and You’ve waited until
my mind is silent,
You show me
it’s not all on my shoulders;
and all’s not lost.
Children will learn,
women will be saved,
men will keep their promises,
and the beauty of Your earth
will live another day.
Many colors will come together
to make a rainbow
because it’s all in
Your very capable Hands.
We can help plant a few seeds and water
a little but You’ll reap the harvest.
It’s all in Your plan.
© Sheryl L. Knapp,
1995
Chapter Five
Legal Matters
“With God, all things are possible.” (Mark 10:27)
This experience is
never easy. After sixteen years, with little or no child support, I never
thought that he would come back. My worst nightmares came into being because my
ex literally showed up on front my doorstep. On a Sunday morning in 2003, my
friend Diane called me up at 10:30 a.m. to tell me that her ten-year old
daughter was just confronted by a manipulating stranger. He was a heavy-set,
middle-aged man claiming to be my daughter’s father. He soon found out about where
we lived, what automobile I drove and my home phone number. I immediately
called the police.
Shortly
afterwards, the phone rang and I could see on the caller ID that it was from
local a hotel near my home. I did not answer. It
rang four times then stopped, and then it started again and rang four times
then stopped. Again, I didn’t answer. As soon as the policewoman arrived, I
found a menacing message on my voice mail. She listened to it and took down my
report. She then called the station to have his name run through the system for
a criminal background check, and sure enough they found that he had two
Restraining Orders against him. When we were done talking, I thanked her and
walked her down the stairs and out my front door only to find a small note stuck
to my windshield. It said he had a check for $10,000 waiting just for me. Yeah,
Right! Do you think I believed that? Not a chance!
A few days later I received
some satanic letters from his lawyer stating that I was in Contempt of Court
for not giving him my address and phone number and for not keeping him current
on my life. Well, how on earth could I do any of those things when I wasn’t
even sure where he lived, whom he was with and what kind of man he’d become.
With my daughter’s and my best interest at heart, and out of shear fear, I
immediately decided to file for a Temporary Restraining Order, because after
all that I went through with him, how could I ever trust him?
In five years before his
"invasion," the recent letters he had sent he stated being involved
in the “Mexican Mafia” and had dealings with “Columbians.” This I assumed was
some other sort of illegal activity as he used to do while we were still
married. Now, how am I supposed to trust a man who admits to more illegal
activity? What he said in the final months of our marriage (shortly after my
daughter's birth) brought the horrible knowledge of what sort of man I had
married. He had said he was going to have a “whole bunch of girls to start a
whorehouse and make a profit.” That was when I knew he wouldn’t change and I
decided to leave him. Thankfully, my daughter was saved from that life. The
whole experience scared me terribly and it scared my daughter as well.
On the day we
finally went to trial, I really didn’t think he would show up for court after
two failed attempts had taken place due to his absence. My blood froze inside
of me when I saw him standing at a window as we entered the courthouse. My
daughter, who had just turned 17, held my hand tightly as we prayed to God for
support and protection. I had also recently asked the church to send someone
with me for the day of the trial and someone did: Jeannie Roth was my very
supportive friend who also helped me to get through this painful trial. Most
important of all, I could feel my Savior’s presence right there with me,
leading me on, standing beside me, and comforting me.
As the judge
listened to our testimonies, I could sense that God was at work in his mind.
Not only did the judge see through my ex husband’s lies and claims, he also
granted my request for a Permanent Restraining Order. My ex was no longer
allowed to come within one hundred of me, or my daughter’s High School. My
daughter and I both breathed a sigh of relief. Even though my ex still owes us
over $50,000, God heard and answered my prayers. I don’t expect that money ever
but He gave me the strength and support I needed to face my enemies as He had
also done countless times in the Bible. He kept us safe and gave us strength. God
will always be there for you when you need Him and He will always answer your
prayers! Just keep in mind that God will only answer them in the way that He
knows will be the best. Although things may not go the way that you expected,
He will “never leave or forsake you.” (Hebrews 13-5b)
“O
Lord my God, I take refuge in You; save and deliver me from all who pursue me,
to they will tear me like a lion and rip me to pieces with no one to rescue
me.” (Psalm 7)Custody
Joint custody is where both parents share the responsibility and control
the decision-making. Even in a never-married couple, the primary care of the
children must be determined because it might go the parents, guardians or the
state. The primary caregiver will be entrusted with the day-to-day welfare of
the children. In a statement from A Comprehensive Guide to Parenting On Your
Own by Linda Hunter[14],
the author makes this process clear and explains answers to other questions
about this difficult situation. She goes on to say that this is very hard for
those who go through this with an abusive ex-spouse.
In court, abuse is a very hard “accusation” to fight. The opposing
attorney will make every effort to win his or her case. Your feelings and the
care and well being of the children will mean nothing to them. They are an
extension of the ex. That’s all. Never trust them. Lawyers are funny that way.
I have been there to see both attorneys talk like old friends before battling
it out in a courtroom. It is not their lives that are at stake. You have only
to trust God and follow His lead. Pray to ask Him to show you the right lawyer.
Remember, you can call Legal Aid for help. You can only trust your lawyer then
and tell him or her everything. Don’t give them original documents to keep. Ask
them to make a copy of the paperwork you give them. This will help you later if
you go to another lawyer. And ask for full custody, you will not get child
support if you don’t.
Hunter goes on to state in her book that making a case against the
abusive parent is hard and you have to have solid evidence. However, she says
you can forgo child support and terminate a parent’s rights if that parent
hasn’t been in touch for a certain period of time. In Virginia
Hunter
read Bib verses each day in the early years of her single parenthood and she
loved 1 Chronicles 28:10, “The Lord has chosen you to
build a house for a sanctuary. Be strong and do it.” She also brings up the problem of sexual molestation. You will need
solid evidence to prove anything so if you discover evidence of foul play, get
the courts to order supervised visitation. Have the child checked be a
pediatrician and a psychologist to see if your suspicions are correct. It is
the same to charge the other parent with the use of illegal drugs. These are
grounds for parental rights termination.
We live in scary times and our hearts our very fragile right now. If
you’re like me, your children are your life and heart. I understand how scary
it is to think of the very real possibility of child abduction. I was afraid of
that because my ex told me constantly that he’d take my little girl and I’d
never see her again. This is why I did not pursue child support. But they are
ways to help you to keep your children safe if you suspect this. Make every
effort to protect your children! There are safer ways your ex can visit with
your children with supervised visitation. Or there are ways, if you are really
worried to fight to terminate their rights. Whatever you choose, in your child
best interest, make them safe.
Unfortunately, children are abducted by the noncustodial parent to scare
the custodial parent into relenting on child support or other legal issues. If
you are presently trying to get money from your ex, it is possible that this
tragedy could occur. What can you do? Before anything happens:
1.
Find out if he has recently cut any ties—quit
his job or sold his house.
2.
Have a police officer warn him about the
consequences of kidnapping.
3.
Contact your child’s school or
day care telling them never to release your [child] to [the] dad.
4.
Be sure a copy of the custody
decree is on file in your ex-husband’s county [and at your children’s school].
5.
Be wise and keep your eyes and
ears open.
6.
Always talk to your kids. Ask
them if they’ve seen their dad (his friends) or if anything strange or out of
place seems to keep happening while they are at school or while walking home or
at their friends house.
If your ex is in another country, make sure that the divorce
decree/custody states that the child cannot leave the country and be sure a
copy of this decree is registered with the Office of Passport Services in Washington , D.C.
A visitation agreement
may help ease tension between you and your ex. If things aren’t so bad, try to
make things best for the children by keeping things light between you.
Child Support
Unless one of the
individuals has had his or her parental rights terminated, all minor children
are entitled by law to receive financial support from both parents. The incomes
of the parents, cost of living in that state, and the needs of the child are
the bases that determine the child support amount to be paid. In 1992,
President George Bush signed a bill making it a federal crime for a
non-custodial parent to move out of state to avoid paying child support.
The Child Support
Enforcement Amendment of 1984, states were required to establish, by 1987,
guidelines to be followed in the calculation of child support. This doesn’t
mean there aren’t problems. I never received anything while my daughter was
small. I think that if there was more enforcement, there wouldn’t be so much
needed for welfare, but that’s just my opinion.
Sometimes, it can be a
matter of finding the parent who is hiding from paying child support. This can
be like finding a needle in a haystack because people might not talk to you. If
you want to pursue this, Hunter suggests to learn where he is by talking to
someone who works with him or his family, placement offices of schools he
attended, credit unions, professional affiliations, voter registration lists,
and so on. You can also try contacting the State Parent Locator Services
(SPLS). For searching out of state, get in touch with the Federal Parent
Locator Service (FPLS). These organizations only go after child support, not
alimony or other expenses. Call your local clerk of courts office to get
telephone numbers for these services.
If he owes more than $750, the IRS can go after him with its collection
services just as it does with back taxes so you can call the Internal Revenue
Services. Give them your ex-husband’s social security number if you know it. I
don’t know if they will help because of confidentiality reasons.
The laws on child support are supposed to apply in all states in the U.S.
Hunter goes on to explain that each state has some kind of guideline for
the amount of child support to be paid by each parent. Though this amount is
based on incomes of both parents, cost of living, and the needs of the children.
You can make a case for needing more if you do some research and make a list of
what it costs you to raise your child. Include education, food, clothing,
housing, social, recreational, and any special needs child may have. You can
include the cost of baseball camps, girl scouts, and special-needs children
need equipment or extra education.
If your ex is challenging you with saying he will quit his job so he
wouldn’t have to pay child support, you can request a judgment with the local
IV-D agency to attach his federal and state income tax refunds for nonpayment
of child support. If he were still working, you could request a wage
withholding order. However, if he is like my ex, he makes money under that
table (like my ex did for years) that he doesn’t report to the IRS, request
your local IV-D can do a credit check and find out what his assets are. If he
has no wages to collect, the can go after his house, car, or other assets. And
if he is purposely hiding assets, like putting things into his mother’s or
girlfriend’s name, you can get him for fraud.
I mentioned many of the above issues in court for getting a permanent
restraining order when my ex showed up after sixteen years and his attorney and
him didn’t have much to stand on!
Notes:
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|
Strength in Unity
Resource Hotlines:
Battered Women’s Justice Project 800-903-0111
Bureau of Indian
Affairs County
ChildHelp USA
TDD
800-2-A-CHILD (800-222-4453)
Juvenile Justice Clearinghouse 800-851-3420
TDD
800-826-7653
National Center for Victims of Crime 800-FYI-CALL (800-394-3255) https://victimsofcrime.org
National Children’s Alliance
National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Info 800-729-6686
Español 877-767-8432
TDD
Hotline 800-487-4889
Hearing
Impaired 800-735-2258
National Organization for Parents of Murdered
Children, Inc. 888-818-POMA (888-818-7663)
www.pomc.org. Every survivor has days that are more difficult than others. If you need to talk to someone, please call (513) 721-5683
TTY
HOTLINE 800-537-2238
National Sexual Violence Resource Center 877-739-3895
Office for Violence of Crime Resource Center 800-851-3420
TTY
877-712-9279
- National Crime Prevention Council https://www.ncpc.org 800-NCPC-911 (800-637-3911)
National Criminal Justice Reference Service 800-851-3420 https://www.ncjrs.gov
National Domestic Violence HOTLINE 800-799-SAFE
National Domestic Violence HOTLINE 800-799-SAFE
National Organization for Victim Assistance
https://www.trynova.org/ VICTIM ASSISTANCE HELPLINE 800-879-6682 (800-TRY-NOVA) 9am-5pm Eastern time, Monday-Friday
https://www.trynova.org/ VICTIM ASSISTANCE HELPLINE 800-879-6682 (800-TRY-NOVA) 9am-5pm Eastern time, Monday-Friday
Office for Victims of Crime Training and Technical Assistance Center
9300 Lee Highway, Fairfax, VA 22031–6050 Phone: 1–866–OVC–TTAC (1–866–682–8822)
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network https://www.rainn.org/contact-us 800-656-4673
Protection and Custody 800-527-3223
Email : info@rcdvcpc.org
http://www.crimevictims.gov/flash.html
is a website for information, resources on victim’s rights, services and
criminal and juvenile justice. For a free DVD on Victims’ Rights, contact the
U.S. Postal Inspectors at www.usps.com/postalinspectors
Chapter Six
Employment
“All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only
to poverty.” Proverbs 14:23
Been there, done that. Yes, you are going through a hard
time and you can get help from Social Services but you also have to start
thinking of the future. If you don’t have a job right now, you can always be
looking while you are raising your children. This has to do not only with
providing for your family (you can’t always rely on child support) but also on
your self-esteem. Who you are makes a difference in how you feel about yourself
and how your children look at you. If they don’t have a father to look up to,
they can look up to you!
God fashioned the family in many ways but through the
Bible, we can see that He had a plan for the family to have the father as the
head of it. The world will tell you that it doesn’t matter who is he head of
the family but through a child’s eyes, the father was to help develop who the
child perceives as his/her identity. Like it or not, our world has formed
society to believing we are who are parents are. That had a good ring to it in
God’s plan. His plan was perfect. Then mankind messed it up.
Well, be that as it
may, a child will boast who his/her parent is or what job that parent has. Also
important to all this is how you can start feeling better about whom you are by
finding something you like to do and making it into a career. There are
numerous employment services online but be careful what information your give.
They should never ask you for your social security number. Employment agencies
that can hire you for temporary jobs can have that, as they need to pay you if
you work for them.
If childcare is a problem, as it always is when raising
children, consider starting a childcare center in your home. Check out what
state laws there are and how to begin that dream (or any other) by going to the
library. On the other hand, you can find out more from your local Social
Security Office or the local United
Way office. I was blessed with help from the United Way , which
still helps single mothers with childcares expenses, shelter and scholarship
information. Visit unitedway.org to find out how they can help you. In Denver , try calling 211.
While getting your household together, it was necessary to
go through whatever resources you did. That is ok! It was not stealing or being
a slob. But when you can, try to get back to work, here are some verses
regarding employment:
First impressions are everything! Whoever told you that
dressing your best to impress the employer was right. There have been numerous
studies done by employers and employment agencies to prove that employers sum
up everything about you in the first few minutes of the first interview so make
it count. If you like to express your personality, do so outside of looking for
work. Piercings, tattoos, bright colors in make up or clothes are best on your
own time. When you go into a job interview, you are asking this busy, stressed
out interviewer to believe in your work and investing in you as a worker to
improve their business or even to just fill in a space to do something and give
you money for it. It’s their time and they aren’t investing in your personality,
just your work effort. Dress in business-like clothes: white shirt, nice plain
shoes, straight black pants (not too tight) or passed-the-knee skirt and a
sweater or jacket. This will impress practically any employer for just about
any type job.
A resume may be more important for a career than you think.
I’ve included a sample below. Use it only as a guide. The words may not apply
to you so use your own words. It’s just to give you an idea of how they are
written. Better yet, go to an employment workshop in your county department of
social services. They can give you advice and show you where and how to get a
job! You don’t have to give a list of references at first unless you are
applying at a department store or filling out an application. Remember, these
are legal documents, so be truthful. Make sure you sign 
and
date it as this helps the employer know that you are serious and makes the
document legal. It can also help in showing that it is you and not someone
else. Always remember identity theft can happen to anyone!
and
date it as this helps the employer know that you are serious and makes the
document legal. It can also help in showing that it is you and not someone
else. Always remember identity theft can happen to anyone!Special note:
I
do not want to offend anyone who wants to stay home with her children. God
bless you in this! Children do need a lot of care and it is respectable to stay
home with them. Many people won’t agree in this day and age but children do
grow up with a sense of well-being from a mother who stays home. Just keep your
ex up on his child support and report him to the Family Support Registry if he
doesn’t pay. Don’t delay in that or he can get the idea that you will let him
get away with it. If you want to stay home and make a bit of your own money,
you get look into programs on the Internet that let you work at home. They will
have to be legit, so check them out. You do need a
computer and a phone that you can answer while online. You can do this when the
kids are at school or when you can dedicate a few hours to it. It will give you
a sense of independence to make your own money and not be reliant on him so
much. Just check all companies out through the Better Business Bureau or the
Federal Trade Commission.
For more on online job opportunities
by working online or being a mystery shopper, check out a book titled: The
Mom’s Guide to Earning and Saving Thousands on the Internet by Bar Webb.[15]
This is a great book for advice on using the Internet for Freebies and other
possibilities. Remember, always check things out first through a Better
Business Bureau first and NEVER pay any money to a company to give you
work. I was taken for $98 from a rip-off artist company in Reno , NV
One
last note about Employment: Know your rights!
We have enough
trouble working today at our jobs and raising our kids. The last thing we
need is to fight another fight: one to keep our jobs or one to keep from being
taken advantage of. Over the “million” years that I've worked, even at various
jobs, I have faced difficult situations. As if I haven’t fought enough to win
my freedom and my daughter’s safety, I have had to “keep my head above water”
at work to keep a job to put food on our table or to know when’s a good time to
run! When you have gone through all you can stand, and the above tips haven’t
helped, know when you are in a safe position, a safe place to work or when and
how to know when to call it quits before an employer takes advantage of you or
before you may find yourself facing legal problems. Below is information I
found on a government website (but you can also look at that poster in the
break room) to find out what your rights are. Employers have restrictions and
you have laws to protect you.
Fair Labor Standards Act
Handy Reference Guide to the U.S.
Wage and Hour Division
WH Publication 1282
Revised October 1996
https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/compliance-assistance/handy-reference-guide-flsa
A publication is available on the Internet on the Wage and Hour Division Wage and Hour Division200 Constitution Ave NW
Washington, DC 20210
1-866-4-US-WAGE
1-866-487-9243
TDD* Phone: 1-800-326-2577
*Telecommunications Device for the Deaf
“Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You
may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call
“failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down.”
Mary Pickford,
Silent Silver Screen Actress of the early 1900s.
Notes of your
own:
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Chapter Seven
Housing
My mother worked for the city at the
time of my marriage and she told me of a woman counselor who could help me know
what to do about my violent marriage and how to get help. When I went to see
Bea, she had a small but neatly furnished office and a kind face. My mom had
gone through a messy divorce from an unfaithful husband and raised three kids
all on her own. She knew what I was going through and where to start. Tears streaming
down my face, I told the counselor how my home life was and she listened. Then
she made a list of the things I needed to do to escape and start a life on my
own.
One of these actions was to call and apply to
an apartment housing project that would accept be on a program to help me get
my own apartment. Nothing beats eating your own peanut butter and jelly
sandwich in the middle of the night in your own place! Well, it took a few
months but it was worth it. Today, there are more choices for you to acquire
your own place than when I started out in 1987. Check with your state’s housing
programs to see how you can get your family into a home of your own. There are
many different programs Social Services can tall you about, like Section 8,
housing voucher, and section 42, which is like a housing voucher based on
income. Please ask them about the programs available because they may not tell
you unless you know to ask. Simply asking what options are open to you won’t
get you the information you need. Go to them before you go to an apartment or
leasing office for any housing information because housing laws differ from
state to state. There you will have to fill out some paper work and show them
the birth certificates of yourself and your children. That’s just a start.
Also, look up HUD.gov (The Department of Housing and Urban
Development) for more information. They have everything from learning to buy
your own home to which renting programs you can use. There is even legal
information on that website to help you in you have problems with a landlord.
I’ve used it to email them about a scary problem I had in 2003. You might try Habitat for Humanity. You have to make a certain amount each month and
volunteer to help build other peoples’ homes to make up the required amount of
hours but you can use your kids or friends and family to help. It would be
worth it to have a house of your own!
Being on welfare or using the housing programs available
can be a help or a pain because you can’t seem to get ahead. I would encourage
you to find other means on employment and charitable contributions, like
clothes, food and help with rent; however, if that is the only way you can
become self-sufficient then that is the best way for right now. The Salvation
Army helps anyone who comes through his or her doors with at least food. I’ve
gone to them for help with rent when I had nowhere else to turn when my rent
went up. They also gave us food and can help you by giving you a list of
resources. For more resources, please check the list at the end of this book.
Another bit of advice I read about is some mothers have
found it a great idea to move in together and combine families to save on
costs. My friends, Sara and Shaina
stayed together for a few months and it worked out because one could watch the
kids while the other went on her errands or worked. You have to really be
flexible and not take advantage of each other in this situation.
One little quote that broke me up comes from a recent
Disney movie titled, “Lilo and Stitch.”[16]
“This is my family. I found it on my own. It’s little and
broken but it’s still good. Yah, still good.” Stitch
Remember, you are the survivor of
your little family and your kids are depending on you. Your family’s safety
comes first. Find a place to call your own. The following information can help
you get started on a future and a sense of security. No one is allowed into
your home if you don’t want him or her to be there! And please no forget as
some do that you need to keep that front door locked at all times, to keep
little children in and the bad guys out!
To find out more about the U.S. Department of Housing and
Urban Development to you go to HUD.com or call
toll-free
1-888-466-3487.
Telephone: (202) 708-1112 TTY: (202) 708-1455
Habitat
for Humanity[17]
Habitat for Humanity International
121
Telephone: 1-800-HABITAT (1-800-422-4828).
https://www.habitat.org/
How to Apply
for a Habitat for Humanity House
If your family, or a family you know, is in need of decent, affordable housing, please contact the Habitat for Humanity affiliate serving your area.
Habitat affiliates are independent, locally run, nonprofit organizations. Each affiliate coordinates all aspects of Habitat home building in its local area, including partner family selection. Your local affiliate can give you information on the availability, size, costs, "sweat equity" work requirements and application process for Habitat houses in your area.
Every affiliate chooses its homeowners based on the same three criteria:
1. the applicants' level of need,
2. their willingness to become
partners in the program
3. and their ability to repay the
no-profit, no-interest loan.
Neither
race nor religion is a factor in choosing the families who receive Habitat
houses.
To find contact information for affiliates in your area, use our affiliate search tool or call the Habitat for Humanity help line at (800) 422-4828, ext. 2551 or 2552.
To find contact information for affiliates in your area, use our affiliate search tool or call the Habitat for Humanity help line at (800) 422-4828, ext. 2551 or 2552.
Street’s
Hope Program
K-LOVE's
Amy Baumann interviews Leanne Downing, Founder and Executive director of
Street’s Hope, Easter, former prostitute in the Street’s Hope Program, Leeza
Patton, Street’s Hope Mentor, Barbara Rich, Street’s Hope Mentor - mentor to
Easter
Street’s Hope is a faith based organization in Denver, Colorado helping women in the sex for sale industry – who want out – build a new life.
Street’s Hope is a faith based organization in Denver, Colorado helping women in the sex for sale industry – who want out – build a new life.
K-LOVE's
Marya Morgan interviews Phillip McIntosh of Youth Development International
Each month, thousands of teens in trouble call 1-800-HIT-HOME for help. From their bedrooms or from the streets, they dial for advice on things like depression or pregnancy (runaways can even get a bus ticket home). Volume on the round-the-clock hotline is rising, and more volunteers are needed to give kids a place to turn.
Each month, thousands of teens in trouble call 1-800-HIT-HOME for help. From their bedrooms or from the streets, they dial for advice on things like depression or pregnancy (runaways can even get a bus ticket home). Volume on the round-the-clock hotline is rising, and more volunteers are needed to give kids a place to turn.
TeenCrisis Line 1-800-HIT-HOME
Chapter Eight
Medical Issues
Your health
Taking
care of you—whole health: mind, body, and soul
Things
that get into the way: addictions,
viruses, and bruises
Your children
Taking
care of them—whole health: mind, body, and soul
Things
that get into the way: addictions,
viruses, and bruises
What Is Out There To Help You?
Insurance
Government
programs
“Some time later, Jesus went up to
Jerusalem
‘Sir,’ the invalid replied, ‘I
have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am
trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.’
Then Jesus said to him, ‘Get up!
Pick up your mat and walk.’ At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and
walked.” (John 5:1-8)
There is an
important lesson in John 5, above. The teachers I have listened to have taught
me that Jesus asked what seemed to be a heartless question to a lame man but in
reality, He was asking him if he wanted to get well because He wanted to teach
us some people rather have the attention than actually work at getting well.
So, get up, take up your mat and walk!
“When it rains, it pours.” This was
a slogan for a commercial for salt a century ago but it can apply to the
raising of children. Little noses are always going to run! Being on one’s own
in this crises isn’t always easy. There are doctors and medications, shots and
tears a-plenty. The tears aren’t always from the children, are they? Our
problems can be which doctor to see to how to pay for it.
Insurance
Insurance is a necessary nightmare. If you don’t have
insurance and can’t get it from a court order for your ex to pay (they never
seem to anyway) you can rely on Medicaid for a while. My daughter could not
have grown up without it. We had nothing else to help us. She not only had the
vaccinations but also two eye surgeries, glasses, medications for colds, fever,
flu and then was diagnosed with Tourette’s Syndrome after she turned seven. It
was no picnic. Many teachers may try to make you think something is wrong with
your baby and be wrong but that’s nothing compared to when they are right.
Specialists are expensive. So I would not had any help if I hadn't got Medicaid
when I did. Please check out what resources you can find. Your child or
children can be covered under Medicaid even if you may not be. With all the
vaccinations they need, it’s a good idea. There are some programs out there
through doctors’ offices, health clinics and schools that give free
vaccinations if you can’t get of that program.
Health
I am not any kind of medical professional so I have no
right giving you professional advice, only advice that can come from a friend.
Pray about whatever is troubling you. Listen to Him.
You also have to take care of yourself. Yes, your babies
come first, but they can’t make it if you are hurting or sick. If you need
Medicaid for your health, then do it! This life is too short to be sick! I’ve
suffered from depression for about seventeen years and need my medication. You
may not have to worry about depression but check it out with your doctor. If
you have it, it may only be temporary. I am not on Medicaid anymore but I’m
glad I had it when I did.
Also, your ex may not have told you everything, and
probably won’t so you may be suffering from a venial disease and not know it.
Please get medical advice on this. Whatever you’re going through, you also need
to take care of your health!
I’ve studying a great deal on health issues because of my
life and situations. We haven’t been around the best kind of people or our exes
haven’t. Either way, start with taking a good look at yourself and how you are
living. Venial diseases aren’t always noticeable, like Human Papillomavirus
(HPV)—venial warts,[18]
but inside your blood system.
These can be passed on to future children, if they haven’t
already been passed on to the children you have. It may be very embarrassing
but it is best for your health for you to have regular pap smears to check for
HPV and your children won’t have to go to a foster home if you get really sick
or even die if you don’t go to a doctor. According to Rachal Gruman, Seventeen
Magazine, “80% of women who are sexually active get HPV. And, a girl who gives
oral sex to someone has HPV can get genital warts in her mouth.”
Nutrition
Health
also involves what you eat. Face it, donuts aren't our friends anymore! And if
you’re like me, you probably have had enough cheap, Styrofoam-type noodle soaps
to last forever! Start studying what changes you can make to your diet to make
meals more natural for you and your kids. I had to stop the artificial
drink mix into the house because my daughter was literally climbing the
walls! I know how it is; Chef Boyardee is one of my best friends, too! Instead
of using canned stuff like that, try making your own and freezing it in
baggies! I’ve also separated sauces into baggies and froze them to use them a
little at time to make it all last longer. Have you ever made pizza then found
the jar to be fuzzy the next time you went to make it again? One Social Worker
asked me how we could survive on $12 in Food Stamps when Danielle was young. I
just replied: sauces. Make whatever you can when you’re not working or going to
school and freeze it! Then just pull it out and heat it up with pasta or rice.
How can a parent make something for the family on a tight
budget? Just improvise. Cut down on the white flour, sugar and sugar cereals if
the kids can run through the house in 2.3 seconds. Don’t rely on the bad stuff
all the time; find some natural foods (like natural peanut butter, all-fruit
spreads instead of jelly) to give your family. Some aren’t that expensive. Look
in the health food section for those cereals; kids don’t know the difference!
Sliced apples go great with warm peanut butter and taste like caramel apples.
When I was teaching Danielle in our homeschool, we studied how people
improvised through the Great Depression.[19]
I got a lot of good ideas from the American Girl stories and Danielle got two
years in history. Sometimes I had to come up with ideas for helping her get
better when she was sick. She would not take any cough medicine so I had to go
with honey for cough syrup—food stamps pay for it and kids will take it! It has
antibacterial properties; though it can’t substitute for the medicine your
doctor can give you. I’ve read about herbal remedies so find out what you can
about some home remedies that aren’t bogus or scary. I’ve even found some
interesting recipes for make up! I can’t give those to you because I haven’t
tried them all and I’m not licensed in that.
I cannot tell you how to live your life but I can give you
some ideas that have helped me to de-stress when everything around me is
boiling over in to the drip pan!
(The Holy Spirit hears our cries and cries to
God, the Father for us)
Important
Phone Numbers for Medicaid Clients
Customer
Service Information Line (Se Habla Español):
Monday-Friday
7:30am - 5:30 pm except State Holidays
Toll
Free.................... 1(800) 221-3943
Information
on Medicaid services and benefits
Concerns
about Medicaid, CICP & CHP+
Language
Line Interpretation Services
FirstHelp - 1-800-283-3221
All
Medicaid clients not enrolled in an HMO can call anytime a client is sick, hurt
or needs health care advice. To help in decisions about whether to go to the
emergency room or not to help in decisions about when to see a doctor.
If you are enrolled in a
Medicaid HMO, please call the HMO's 800 number or you may call the FirstHelp line
and you will be transferred to the 800 number for your HMO.
To enroll in Managed Care,
Change Doctors or Health Plans,
Please call HealthColorado at:
|
Outside
Denver
1-888-ENROLLS..........
1-888-367-6557
TDD/TTY.......................
1-888-876-8864
Family
Health Line for information about various programs:
Toll
Free...........................1 (800) 688-7777
Baby
Care Kids Care
Early
and Periodic Screening Diagnosis and Treatment (EPSDT)
Women,
Infant and Children (WIC)
Mental
Health Services
*
Questions * Exemptions
Ombudsman...................
1 (800) 290-4530
Ombudsmen
are people who are trained to help you find the medical and other types of
information you need. Or World Book describes them as: Ombudsman is a nonpartisan public
official who investigates people's complaints about government officials or
agencies. Most of an ombudsman's work involves complaints of unjust or harsh
treatment of people by police, prosecuting attorneys, or judges, and such
matters as housing, taxation, voting, or welfare payments. After investigating
a complaint, the ombudsman may dismiss it or may seek correction of the
problem—by persuasion, by publicity, or, occasionally, by recommending
prosecution.
The idea of the ombudsman originated in Sweden Japan Hawaii has a comprehensive ombudsman plan, and other
states and some United
States
Co-Pay Exemptions and questions
Toll
Free.......................... 1(800) 221-3943 x 2385
“I was wise enough to never grow
up while fooling most people into believing I had.”
Margaret Mead. Coming of Age
in Samoa .
“The most powerful energy sources are in your soul, not your
body. Learn how to create more joy and meaning in your life.” Mira Kirshenbaum,
Ladies Home Journal, April 2004.
Suicide Prevention[21]
If you think someone you know is suicidal, consider these tips from the Suicide Information & Education Centre (www.suicideinfo.ca).
WARNING
SIGNS:
·
threatens suicide
·
talks about wanting to
die
·
shows changes in
behavior, appearance, or mood
·
abuses drugs and/or
alcohol
·
deliberately injures
herself/himself (even “cutting”)
·
appears depressed,
sad, withdrawn
WHAT TO DO:
·
let the person talk
about his/her feelings
·
be accepting; don't
judge
·
ask if the person is
having suicidal thoughts
·
take all suicide
threats seriously
·
do not swear
secrecy—tell someone
·
contact a counselor,
pastor, or one of the organizations listed in the other sidebar
Suicide Resources
·
The Organization for
Attempters and Survivors of Suicide for Interfaith Services (OASSIS), www.oassis.org
·
Finding Your Way After the Suicide
of Someone You Love by David B. Beibel, D.Min. & Suzanne L.
Foster, M.A.
|
Notes and
questions on Medical Subjects for doctor:
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Chapter Nine
Education
“Our people must learn to devote themselves to doing
what is good, in order that they may provide for daily necessities and not live
unproductive lives.” (Titus 3:14)
It’s never too late to start! There are
many programs, financial aid and scholarships to help you with your dreams.
With the Internet there are even ways to go to school while you’re at home!
Today is just the beginning, not the end of your life.
The first step is to find a trade
school, technical school or community college. Then get a financial aid
information packet and fill it out. I went to a counselor who told me that “students
like you (meaning single mothers) don’t graduate.” It took five years but I
proved him wrong! I went to a “Metropolitan State College” which is like a
community college in that there are other types of students then in a
traditional sports-oriented college. Trade schools or technical schools are
about the same as a community college but don’t require as much core
educational credits as a college and you can earn an associate’s degree or
certificate earlier.
It took me five years in a
non-traditional, but accredited college, but I finally earned my degree in
Creative Writing. As I was taking my graduation pictures, the photographer said
for me to think of something great and I thought at that moment how I had
proved that counselor wrong and when I looked into the camera, I said
"yes!" as she snapped the picture.
What do you want to do? Even if you have
to get your GED, it is worth the trouble! You can get paid more and feel like a
person instead of how the abuser make you feel. Most of them put down the
person they are abusing because it makes them feel better about themselves.
Don’t fall for that! God made you in His image and what He wanted you to be.
If you have no idea what you want, pray
about it first. The dreams He gave you as a child could be an indication to
where He wants you to go. Also, there are aptitude tests to help you find out.
Start at a high school counselor’s office if you are young enough to see them
or go straight to a community college. Just because I had a bad experience doesn’t
mean you will. If you know what you want to do: nursing, teaching, electronic
engineer, whatever, you can start by going to the financial aid office
and getting an application. Fill that out. Do what you have to do to get the
information you need, like going to the school district or writing to them if
you’re out of state and getting your information from high school. It will all
come together!
Going to college or a trade school is so
different than high school so don’t let the fears you had in high school keep
you from attaining your dreams. Most teachers will treat you with respect, or
they should since you’re paying to be there—even paying by financial aid. I did
have a teacher who didn’t treat me with respect but I think that was because he
felt I wasn’t very serious about taking his class. Again, prayer can help. God
has a beautiful way for clearing up misunderstandings.
I haven’t tried online degrees,
but it could be worth it! Also consider beauty schools, nursing schools, and
other “for trade” schools. Look them up online but be careful of scams. Be your
own investigator by checking that organization or institution out with the
proper authorities like even the Better Business Bureau. I keep that website
handy for many reasons and to look up any business because I fell for some
mail-in business scams.
“I can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13
Yes there are financial aid programs
that can help you. I rather talk to a counselor at a college or school who
could lead me to the right, legitimate help.
There are some restrictions, like how much you parent(s) make depending
on your age or how much you make. That was for the Pell Grant I had for many
years but even though I took classes on a full-time basis, it was money that
paid for my classes and books that I didn’t have to pay back.
Be very careful about student loans. That can be a whole
nightmare that can take years to pay off. Stick with work-study programs, maybe
some that include babysitting help, and other grant or scholarship programs.
They are out there and now that you have the Internet, (check out classes to
take online, too) information free at your local library. You can find more
than I had to help you. I was blessed with help from the United Way , which still helps single
mothers with childcares expenses, shelter and scholarship information. Visit
unitedway.org to find out how they can help you. In Denver , try calling 211.
Chapter Ten
Travel
“In all ways acknowledge Him
and He will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:6)
Motor Vehicles
Bus Travel
Bicycles or even roller skates
(blades)
Motor Vehicles
If you a vehicle, you are ahead of the
game! I, on the other hand was kept “in a pumpkin shell and there he kept her
very well.” Which means my ex had me so afraid of going outside and of learning
how to drive that I had to rely on the city bus system after I got on my own.
God showed me the world outside and now I can’t get enough of freedom and
traveling! Don’t be discouraged if you don’t have a car and have to take the
bus. Think of your freedom. And look into getting a bus pass, you might find a
program that offers discounts or scholarships.
In the past few years, I’ve had the
worst problems owning a car. I had a wonderful blue truck for ten years until I
spun around on ice and up onto a curb so I took it in to get it fixed. Let me
say now that you should ask people you trust who they take their vehicles to
before you have to take yours in. I found out a horrible trick these people
play on you. I took it to the dealership so my insurance would cover whatever
was wrong and get a rental. I called my insurance person and asked for a
rental. As I waited, a grimy little man came up to me and conned me into a
vehicle I couldn’t afford. I had to go to court when I couldn’t make the
payments. Had I known I could check the NADA book or the Car Fax on the
internet to find out the value of my truck as a trade-in. Some friends of mine
wanted a new vehicle and let me by theirs for $70 per month. It lasted a good
year, even going to the mountains a couple of times before I learned the hard
lesson of what happens to a car if you don’t have the oil changed (or any oil
in it at all!). Something called a “timing chain” broke. If you know this
stuff, don’t laugh.
Well, I went to a dealer that my mother
went to and they treated me a whole lot better. I learned from them that a
vehicle can have a trade-in value of $1,000 just for the parts and metal! Know
all this before you go in and keep asking questions about the NADA value, or
have it with you. Also, they will always consider what work they have to do on
it or to junk it. Take someone you trust with you. Never go it alone! As your
church if you can have an elder go with you. That isn’t always easy but ask if
he and his wife could go with you. Maybe you know the wife? I know how all that
feels too, the women who step closer to their man when you talk to him. Just
brush that off. I like to give most of my attention to the wife first to cut
that out at the start. Just remember to do your homework on your car through
the internet and grab a friend who knows what buying a car is supposed to be
like.
Automotive problems can be solved easier then you think. It
just takes a bit of know-how and preparation to avoid them.
Winterizing Checklist
1.
Use a heavier oil, ask
what would be best for your vehicle. Also, HEET for your gas tank is good
2.
Add a non-freezing
windshield fluid to the windshield fluid tank and a scraper (keep this and
sprays out of reach of children, like in the trunk) I use a sprayer filled with
deicing windshield fluid.
3.
Pack spare clothes and
blankets in the trunk or container
4.
First-aid kit
5.
Snacks and bottled
water
6.
Spare tire and jack
7.
Rubbing alcohol, clean
tin can and toilet paper can make a flare (carefully!)
8.
Starter
spray (find out how to use it first)
Starter
spray (find out how to use it first)
9.
Pantyhose can make a
alternator belt, also hard hand soap used on the belt can make it stop
squeaking-not long term
10.
Jumper cables, also
Coke-a-cola is great for eating away dried battery acid ~jury’s still out on
this one.
THE most
important thing to remember is the safety of your child(ren)! God gave these
blessings to us for a while to take care of and we are responsible if something
goes wrong. No excuses accepted. You can even be put in jail for not following
the rules and keeping your kids safe. I’ve looked up some facts you should
know.
“Parents must be careful to use car
seats that meet current federal guidelines and that are appropriate for the
child's age and weight,” writes researcher Elizabeth A. Edgerton, MD, MPH, an
emergency medicine and trauma specialist at Children's National Medical Center
in Washington, D.C. "Shield booster
seats no longer have any role in child passenger safety.”[22]
The
National Highway Traffic Safety Administration advises forward-facing car seats
that secure the child with a five-point seat belt and harness.
Invest in a new model of car seat that meets recent Federal
guidelines. Don't use an older model that's been handed down or that you've
found in a thrift shop. Don't even use a new model of shield car seat; one
manufacturer still produces them, but they are not considered by many
experts to be safe. It is marketing them for children between 30 and 40 pounds.
In her study, Edgerton investigated 46
car crash victims who were admitted to pediatric trauma centers between 1991
and 2003. She compared the outcomes of children in shield car seats with those
in forward facing car seats. Of children restrained in shield booster seats,
62% had severe injuries, especially to the head, chest, and abdominal/pelvic
area. They had longer hospitals stays, often in intensive care units, and often
required rehabilitation, she reports.
Of children in forward-facing seats, 16% had serious
injuries, but their hospital stays were shorter. Shield booster seats
“accounted for all the abdominal and pelvic injuries and a significantly
greater proportion of head and chest injuries,” writes Edgerton in an issue of
Pediatrics. There is a growing concern about older models of the seat that are
still in circulation. Federal investigations of shield booster seats have
demonstrated the lack of safety. A series of rollover crash tests showed that
dummies weighing less than 40 pounds were more likely to be ejected if they
rode in these seats. Also, crash investigations have reported that babies
riding in shield booster seats had greater trauma to the baby's upper body,
abdomen, and head.
“On the basis of these studies, the American Academy
Other
ways of transportation are buses, light-rail systems, long-range buses from
suburb to city, and carpooling. Like mothers who live together to share
expenses and babysitting duties, carpooling can help cut costs. What I did was go from bus to bus by using a
bus pass. I had to take baby, diaper bag, and stroller but at least we got
around!
Look for scholarships for bus passes and other types of
passes from women’s counselors at Social Services and women shelters. I was
blessed with help from the United
Way , which still helps single mothers with
childcares expenses, shelter and scholarship information. Visit unitedway.org
to find out how they can help you. In Denver ,
try calling 211.
Car Care
Taking care of your vehicle is
important even if you don’t feel like it. I hate to check the oil or even put
windshield wiper fluid in it but that has to be done. Don’t wait until the
motor starts acting funny! If you are out of oil, your engine can seize up and
the whole thing can lock up on you, and at 55 mile per hour, that’s not funny. Keep
a jug of water in the truck for anytime your car may over heat and DON”T open
the radiator cap if it does! You may suffer serious burns. I have never tried
it but there is even a spray can tat fixes flats called Stop Leak. If we keep
our purses and diaper bags prepared, wouldn’t it make sense to put those same
things in the car? If they don’t spoil or dry out, then keep an extra supply in
the car so you don’t hurt your back always carrying that stuff. I keep extra
pads and things in the car for those kinds of emergencies, too!
Bus Travel
While I
was in college, I did not drive at all. I was too afraid of driving and being
in an accident to take the chance so I rode bus after bus. Freedom is so
important, it’s like breathing. If you can find a safe way to travel
(hitch-hiking is never good—been there, done that and survived—which many
don’t) then get outside and bring the kids with you! Check out a community
center or recreation center if you can’t get a bus pass for free at the local
social services. Also see if United
Way can help you. That’s what they are there for!
If they can see that you need it for work or school, they may be happy to give
you a bus pass either free or for a small charge. It’s worth checking into!
Bicycles or even roller skates
(blades)
The only advice I can give here is to look for bikes at
garage sale, thrift stores or friends. Many cities and suburbs have bike paths,
which are safer than riding on the street. Also, don’t listen to headphones
while riding because not 
only
can you run into someone but you can also be attacked. More on self-defense in
Chapter 12. I would have loved to ride Danielle around in a covered attachment
cart or a baby seat on the back of a bike but I never had the chance to get
one. Maybe you can find these things more easily than I could?
only
can you run into someone but you can also be attacked. More on self-defense in
Chapter 12. I would have loved to ride Danielle around in a covered attachment
cart or a baby seat on the back of a bike but I never had the chance to get
one. Maybe you can find these things more easily than I could?
Notes of your
own:
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
|
|
INFANTS
|
TODDLER
|
YOUNG CHILDREN
|
|
WEIGHT
|
Birth to 1 year
at least 20-22 lbs. |
Over 1 year and
Over 20 lbs.-40 lbs. |
Over 40 lbs.
Ages 4-8, unless 4'9''. |
|
TYPE of SEAT
|
Infant only or
rear-facing convertible
|
Convertible /
Forward-facing
|
Belt positioning
booster seat
|
|
SEAT POSITION
|
Rear-facing
only
|
Forward-facing
|
Forward-facing
|
|
ALWAYS MAKE SURE:
|
Children to one
year and at least 20 lbs.
In rear-facing
seats
Harness straps at or below shoulder level |
Harness straps
should be at or above shoulders
Most seats require top slot for forward-facing |
Belt
positioning booster seats must be used with both lap and shoulder belt.
Make sure the lap belt fits low and tight across the lap/upper thigh area and the shoulder belt fits snug crossing the chest and shoulder to avoid abdominal injuries |
|
WARNING
|
All children
age 12 and under should ride in the back seat
|
All children
age 12 and under should ride in the back seat
|
All children
age 12 and under should ride in the back seat
|
It’s best if you keep checking up
on this information as times always change.
Chapter Eleven
Home Life
I dedicated this chapter to helpful
hints and ideas to help you when you’re in a time-crunch or just stuff I’ve
learned and want to pass along. Sometimes it’s nice to have things written down
because life can be a whirlwind that can wipe out your memory as fast as a
toddler loose in the kitchen! Don’t just go by what I have here, write down
your own ideas and keep them in the notes sections of this book for quick
reference. Also important is taking care of your home and teaching your kids to
help, but jobs based on what they can do at their own ages.
No, I’m not nagging; just telling you like it is if you’re
in public housing. Sometimes being in a program like public housing seems a bit
degrading but I felt like I had someone on my side if the apartment management
tried to say I owe more money or something was wrong with my apartment.
The housing authority in your area will do inspections at
times to keep an eye on the appliances, walls, carpets, etc. to see if they
meet the safety standards set by the federal government so that property
managers don’t try to get away with being cheap and neglectful. Some even try
to get away with not having a toilet! It’s important to write down problems you
see when you move in so they won’t charge you for it when you move out! It’s
also important for you to get things in writing if your managers say they will
do some improvements because they won’t if you don’t have it down. Sign and
date everything because that makes it a legal document. Also, take photographs
of things: mold, cracks, holes, and the place after you’ve cleaned it before
you move out so you have proof of it so they can’t charge you. It’s also good
to have a friend witness the clean place. You can get a notarized at the bank
or somewhere with your friend or they can. That’s good in court. I also get a
copy of everything. It’s good to have a file system that works for you.
“Be
kind to these little ones, because their angels see the Face of My Father
everyday.” (Matthew 18:10)
I tell you this because of friends I’ve known who have had
problems with managers who try to get away with things or charges when on
move-out day. One friend came home to find the apartment manager taking
pictures of her house when she wasn’t home! That’s illegal. She saw a lawyer
and the lady was fired. Keep the housing authority’s phone number handy, just
in case things like this happen!
We often feel like God is teaching us lessons and, indeed
He is, but He is also using the trials we go through to teach our children.
After all, we gave Him that right when we asked Him to be Lord over our lives
and to save us from what we were going through.[24]
The next time you feel like you’re being tested or going through something else
the devil is flinging at you, ask yourself not only what lessen you might be
learning, but also what could God be teaching your child? He is still large and
in charge. He loves you, He loves your kids and He will teach you and them what
do to pray to Him for help.
I believe He reminds me of this when things get
overwhelming and Danielle will stop anything and everything she’s doing and
will take my hands and start to pray. Just like that. She says the prayer and
puts in what I can’t find in my head to do at the time. It can be hard for us
to remember when things feel like they are spinning out of control that He gave
us these little ones (and sometimes, not so little) as a blessing, not a curse.
I’ve put down some more verses about what God says about children for
inspiration.
This
one is so near to my heart and encourages me.
“He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.” (Isaiah 40:11, NLT)
Many counseling specialists says it's a good idea to take care of your home to keep your mood light and teach your children to help because they learn good life skills to help them later in life. If you're in public assistance housing, like I've been for twenty years, you ought to know that they do inspections to see if there are any problems with the place that need fixing. Their main concern is if the toilet is leaking (because it costs more in water bills) or if the windows need fixing (like if there are screens on them so the toddlers don't fall out).
The appliances are another concern as that is their investment and the use of them costs money, especially if they are running while damaged. That is also a health hazard to you and your family so they need to know when to fix things. And, yes, they check for cleanliness for reasons like small pests. That can help you if you need an exterminator because they have to pay for it. Another thing they look for is problems with the carpet. Girl, I tell you, there is nothing like finding a horrible little hole next to a wall where the carpet and wall have been chewed! EEWW! Mice are NOT little fun creatures when they are crawling around at night and you don't know where! Save your babies by keeping an eye out for that! (shutter) Also be careful to watch for mold on the walls, in corners of closets, along the walls under windows, etc.
All this is also so the managers and the places they rent have to meet required guidelines for safety and usage. To even be a landlord of a rental to housing participants, their places have to go through a government inspection to meet these guidelines to get the tax brakes. Some landlords have tried to get away with not even having a toilet! So, you see, these are important for your sake as well as theirs. You may want to write down a list of problems you see for them to fix. This is very important when you first move into a place so they can't charge you when you move out, if they haven't fixed the problems. They are supposed to fix the problems at their own cost unless you, or your family, do the damage (or even a guest).
Read your lease or even get someone to help you read it so you know what can happen with that landlord. The booklet the housing authority has titled Fair Housing can explain things, also. Keep a copy of everything you get from them and the housing authority so you'll be ready for anything! I have taken pictures of problems like mouse holes and mold. When I was moving, I'd take a picture of each room after I've cleaned it so they can't try to charge me cleaning costs like they did a friend of mine. It is a good idea to stay aware of the laws in housing and your rights as a tenant. HUD.gov has a lot of helpful information. Be sure you and your landlord agree on a lot of things before you move in so you won't have many disputes. They cannot come into your apartment without your approval. My neighbor came home to find the manager of her apartments taking pictures of her home! That is illegal and the woman got fired after my friend got a lawyer to point that out to the management company.
Hints:
Clean lint out the your dryer's catch basket so it doesn't burn up the heating element. Also as the manager to clean out the lint trap to the outside of the house. My dryer died because of this same problem.
Hints:
- Clean out bathroom fans because it will make them run
more quietly and save you on the electricity bill!
- Make faces on round stickers as safety guards on
dangerous products to keep the kids away from them! I call them no-no
stickers.
- Peanut butter gets out gum in hair and according Joey
Green, scientist with products, you can also use it to shave your legs!
Ok, that is gross and I haven’t used it but it’s interesting!
- Make sachets for undy drawers by sewing two used
dryer sheets together with potpourri in it.
- OraGel or gum-numbing gel can be used to numb
splinters before you take them out. I’d see if it will come out in the
bathtub during a warm bath first. Saves on the screaming.
“Father, I pray that our home will be filled with the
fullness of Your Presence, and that all who enter may feel welcome. May our
love increase and overflow toward You, toward one another, and toward everyone
else. And may every activity that takes place in this home bring glory to You,
Lord. Amen.” A Prayer for Simple
Living, From The Simple Home[25]
Out
with the old, in with the new. After a break up and next to getting your hair
dyed another color, this old adage comes true as pure bliss! Throw out those
old memories of him and start over! (Well, maybe keep something for the kids so
they’ll know what he looked like.) Now,
don’t go all out tossing things or the kids won’t have a stitch! But you can
get rid of things that are just getting in the way. If you’ve taken refuge in
another place, this isn’t that hard. If you’re like me, this is your worst
nightmare. I hate the overwhelming feeling that I’m confronted by a monster
made of paperwork and junk mail! Best to call in recruits.
According to Laura Purcell, at mindsrping.com,
in her article, Organizing Your House—Permission to Purge,[26] deciding what to keep is
easier not to keep everything you’ve ever received but to figure out what “object
no longer has a place in your life.”
The guidelines she suggests are “what memorabilia can be
tossed, what you should save, and how to preserve those keepsakes. As hard as
it might be for some to throw anything away, it’s probably not necessary to save
every postcard, party invitation or letter you've ever received. Karen
Kingston, author of Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui, recommends giving
yourself a test to decide if you should keep something.
1.
Does it lift your
energy when you think about it or look at it?
2.
Do you absolutely love
it?
3.
Is it genuinely
useful? If the answers are not a resounding yes, perhaps the object no longer
has a place in your life.
Her guideline for deciding is based on a friend’s decision
on what to toss when sorting “through her 20 boxes of memorabilia and
eventually pared it down to three big art boxes. For a guideline of what you
might hold onto -- or not -- here are (the friend’s) verdicts.
Postcards: Saved
those from good friends. Tossed the rest. Jazz shoes: Kept -- they still fit.
Journals: Some silly, some insightful -- saved accordingly. (Journals are
always a good idea to sort out feelings; I’ve done almost a million!)
Ex-boyfriend art: Cute photo, bad relationship. Gone. French magazine:
John-John died while I was in
For saving what you want to pack away for your kids or you
to look at later, there are a few good ideas you should keep in mind. I’ve
learned from friends that photos can turn color over time and things can end up
not bringing the same enjoyment that they used to because of time’s power of
decay. I have found a new hobby of scrap booking that is going to last me until
I’m 80 because I haven’t even done a baby book for my daughter! That’s twenty
years of memories lurking in those boxes.
Here are Laura’s ideas, which I hope to follow as well:
“Easy Archiving of Your Mementos”
You've sorted through your piles of memorabilia and decided what is meaningful enough to save, but don't throw everything mindlessly in boxes. There are a few measures you can take to preserve archives suitably at home, says Faith Davis Ruffins, a historian at the Smithsonian National Museum of American History, inWashington , D.C.
You've sorted through your piles of memorabilia and decided what is meaningful enough to save, but don't throw everything mindlessly in boxes. There are a few measures you can take to preserve archives suitably at home, says Faith Davis Ruffins, a historian at the Smithsonian National Museum of American History, in
How to Save Letters
Unfold letters and put the envelopes behind them. Do not staple or clip. Place a sheet of acid-free tissue between each letter, and then wrap the pile in the tissue. (Apollo tissue, $7 for 100 sheets, Light Impressions, www.lightimpressionsdirect.com) or go find these things at a hobby store. Ask if you could purchase a few at a time.
Unfold letters and put the envelopes behind them. Do not staple or clip. Place a sheet of acid-free tissue between each letter, and then wrap the pile in the tissue. (Apollo tissue, $7 for 100 sheets, Light Impressions, www.lightimpressionsdirect.com) or go find these things at a hobby store. Ask if you could purchase a few at a time.
How to Save Ephemera (published
media)
Don’t mix materials such as postcards, slides, and bumper stickers. Archival-quality boxes are best. Plastic, like regular cardboard, releases gases that can destroy paper. (Margo Shoe Box Art File, $22, Exposures, www.exposuresonline.com).
Don’t mix materials such as postcards, slides, and bumper stickers. Archival-quality boxes are best. Plastic, like regular cardboard, releases gases that can destroy paper. (Margo Shoe Box Art File, $22, Exposures, www.exposuresonline.com).
How to Save Fabric, Dolls, and
Other Textiles
Wrap in archival-grade polyester film (Mylar) or in plain, pre-washed muslin, then place in an archival-quality box. If possible, don’t fold clothing. (Dupont Poly Film, $12 for 50 sheets, www.lightimpressionsdirect.com).”
Wrap in archival-grade polyester film (Mylar) or in plain, pre-washed muslin, then place in an archival-quality box. If possible, don’t fold clothing. (Dupont Poly Film, $12 for 50 sheets, www.lightimpressionsdirect.com).”
Like you,
I will probably be having a Memories In The Making party or going to Wal-Mart
to find whatever may come in handy to help me tame this new kind of (fun)
monster!
House cleaning: the other
monster in the closet!
If you have
to report to the Housing Authority like I have had to for inspections,
An apartment manager and friend shared these ideas that will help.
1.
Oven cleaning and
floors: take the knobs off of the oven before you clean it so on one uses it
when the cleaner is in it. While the oven and all burners are off, spray the
inside of the oven when the cleaner at night before you go to bed, if the kids
don’t walk in their sleep or if you feel it would be safe. Clean it before
using it, of coarse but have a window open or vent on when you do go to use it
as the clean is burning off the oven and makes noxious fumes. Try rinsing it
after cleaning out the cleaner with a wet rag. I hate this duty more than any
of the others. One trick is using a razor blade to crap off stuff before you
spray but that can take a long time and razor blades are scary to have around.
Also, take the burners off and the pans under them and spray the pans while
they are in the empty sink or on top of the refrigerator to keep them away for
the little ones. Clean in the morning. Nothing else works better than those
ugly rubber gloves but it’s better than having your hands sting.
2.
Bathroom: spray the
showers and baths with cleaner then, do some vacuuming or dusting to give the
cleaner time to work. Then go back and clean it. Same with the toilet. If the
ring or stuff stays under the rim, use a pomes stone.
3.
Clean the floor of the
bathroom and corners. The inspector will want to know if the chalking is coming
up. Same with the carpet. Also look for mouse holes in the corners of stairs
and in closets (and look for mold). These critters can squeeze between an
opening that's a fourth on an inch. Ewww!
4.
Vacuum everything.
5.
Check windows for
cleaning, slip screens and sticking doors.
Notes
of your own:
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Chapter Twelve
Self Defense[27]
“I will lie down and sleep in
peace, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” (Psalm 4:8)
“FEAR”
F—Face the monster. Meet what I’m
afraid of head-on.
E—Engage in battle. Do what needs
to be done.
A—Abide. Stick with it until I’m
not afraid anymore.
R—Reflect. Look back on my
conquered monsters and get courage to face the next one.
“More than once I have found myself reaching for God’s gift
of courage when fear squeezed me in its grip. I have found that fear preceded
victory. And I have found God is faithful to help me with all my monsters.” I
read this in a book[28]
by Linda Hunter who was a single mom for twelve years and is editor of
Single-Parent Family Magazine, published through Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs . The
most impartment defense you have is prayer! I have woken up in the morning to
find that I left my front door unlocked but we didn’t have anyone come in to
our home. God will protect you. He loves you and your children because He loved
us first! That means before we loved Him! 1 John 4:19
There are many
aspects of protecting yourself and safeguarding your children and your home.
Protecting your person
Protecting your children in ALL ways
Protecting your home, lock doors and windows, double check
before bed!
Safeguarding your data/information to your bank accounts,
social security information and insurance information. All information, even
your trash! Save files (hard copy and soft copy) on disks and in expanding file
folders in safe-type boxes.
Don’t give out your personal info while you are on your
cell phone in a public—you never know! Better safe than your identity stolen.
Attach your keys to your purse and hang that over your
shoulder, never a clutch. Never give a valet your house keys to park your car.
Never know when you’ll be in that situation but it’s good to know before that
happens.
Watch what you put on MySpace and other websites like that!
Especially important on the match-making websites! You can be found that way!
People have done it. Never meet them alone but ALWAYS in a public place that’s
well populated. Leave if it’s not. Better paranoid than dead. The last thing
you do is bring them home to meet the kids. Don’t do this until your friends
have met them and you’re with your friends at your house. Kids get attached so
easily and hurt much more than we do. Boys seem to be more protective of their
mothers and can be defensive.
Protecting
Your Person:
Know the law on protecting yourself. I thought going to the
library and just checking out a video on self-defense would help me but I
learned that just finding out a few kicks isn’t enough. You have to know how to
carry yourself, what to put in your purse, the laws on stocking offenders in
your state and what you can be liable for if you take the law into your own
hands. The best advice is to stay alert on your surroundings and make a mental
plan to find an escape route or how to get help. Screaming ins always good but
use you wits. You’ve not those lessons on the street for nothing! Only go to
busy places during the day.
I’m not sure but I still think that movie Home Alone
had some good ideas about home security systems! But if you’re putting
Christmas ornaments in front of the window and mini-racing cars on the floor in
front of the door, tell everyone in your family! The most used and maybe the
most effective devise is the dowel stick or cut broom handle placed in the
glide frame of the window, behind the moving pane and locking everything up.
Also, I’ve prayed to be safe and God has always made us safe when I prayed
about my fears.
To start with, find someone you trust who knows all
about how to defend oneself from attacks by strangers. Always look alert
when you are walking somewhere. Look around at your surroundings! Criminals see
that you aren’t easy to sneak up on and that may make them think that you
aren’t an easy target. Practice may help more if the attacker is someone you
know.
The local recreation center might have classes and even
scholarships to help pay your way. Check with your counselor at the women’s
crisis center or your church. When I was working at a nursing home, the staff
had informative in-services to teach us how to care for the residents, their
rights and one class showed us how to protect ourselves if we are attacked. She
had been abducted and dragged into a van. After her survival, she started
researching defense techniques and then teaching them to groups. Some people
can be terrified of violence all together and the counselors can help with the
post-traumatic symptoms like shakiness, dizziness and sweating like what occurs
when one is in fear. This is called “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder” and is
perfectly natural.
In this class,[29]
we learned that that trick of keeping your keys in your and to use as a weapon
doesn’t work. They attacker can grab your arm and twist it behind your back in
a few seconds. However, it is a good idea to have them ready so you can enter
your vehicle or residence quickly. There are other ways of protecting yourself
and your children but find out through a community program in your area that
has classes in self-defense as well as identity theft (yes, they would still
use your identity even if you don’t have anything to steal) and child
abduction. You may not totally trust the
police department if you have been in bad situations with them, but they do
have child identification programs and kits to help you and other programs to
even help you with Christmas presents! A Victim Advocate has resources on these
and many other programs help you.
Before I begin to give you some ideas, let me make a very important note to keep in mind. We’ve all seen those movies where the abused woman gets revenge or
somehow is “safe” now that she has killed her abuser. In real life situations,
this never plays out as on the silver screen. You and I both know what you’ve
gone through. Before you take matters into your own hands, such as acting
violently to your abuser’s mistakes and outbursts, please find out the
consequences if you do so. Police and authorities know what acting in
self-defense looks like so you might not be able to declare a self-defense plea
in court if you are attacked. The best plan is to get away from the abuser with
your children into a safe place. Murder is never justifiable in any courtroom,
no matter what movie you’ve seen or how you’ve been treated.
There is a law, which you have to
check into called “mandatory arrest.” This is a law that requires police to
take a suspect into custody in all domestic violence cases if there is probable
cause a crime was committed.
For example, in our local newspaper, The Rocky Mountain News, Sarah
Huntly reports in a series, Battered Justice,[30]
that “The Law for Women [is] Now Jailing Them.”
Huntly reports that some women have gone to prison for murdering their
husbands to protect themselves under “mandatory arrest.” This is a concept that
was supposed to help women “break free” in domestic violence cases.
Unfortunately, it can also work against them.
“When more than one person complains in a domestic violence incident, Colorado
The problem from this law has caused abused people to refrain from
calling police to get help. The paper states that as of that date, “18,493
domestic violence called logged by Denver Denver
in 1994, when mandatory arrest went into effect in Colorado Denver
“The concept of mandatory arrest was based on a study published in Minneapolis
States may differ in their laws on domestic violence so please find out
what your state’s laws are before acting out a scene that may not turn out like
the movie. Prayer is the first step you should take. Listening to Him is the
second. We live in a real world; you and I. Real
world laws have real damaging effects not only on us but also on our children,
even for years afterward. Canyon
City
Wherever you live, find a Victim’s Advocate at the local district’s
police station or ask them where you can find one. These people are trained in
what you are going through. They have seen every type of situation there has
ever been so they know what you can do and how to take control of your life.
“But since we
belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a
breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. For God did not appoint us
to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
Thessalonians 5:8-9
This is
some good information for everyone that I found emailed to me from a friend but
is good advice. The email read:
HOW TO AVOID BEING THE VICTIM OF A
VIOLENT CRIME.
Here are some of the most important points that I got out of his presentation:
Self
Defense Techniques:
SING: Stomach, Instep, Knee, Groin
The
three reasons women are easy targets for random acts of violence are:
1.
Lack of Awareness—You
MUST know where you are & what's going on around you.
2.
Body Language—Keep
your head up, swing your arms, and stand straight up.
3.
Wrong Place, Wrong
Time—DON'T walk alone in an alley, or drive in a bad neighborhood at night.
4.
Women have a tendency
to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit
(doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS! The predator
will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in the
passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS
YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.
Notes of your own:
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
If I, now, were able to say anything to you
If I, now, where able to say anything to
you,
I would tell you of my nightmare;
a place where you haunt my thoughts.
I run, shivering, in the dark, fear swelling my throat.
I can’t scream and you laugh like a phantom.
I hide only to know you’ll find me and I feel
a thousand needles stabbing in the back of my head
because you hold my hair in you fist as you slam
my face into the cabinet.
Then I remember, that was real.
I wake to find myself searching my house for your phantom,
a dark and sinister figure with eyes that glow with power
and hate to look straight into my soul, as if to own it,
and “pluck out the heart of my mystery”; however,
“in this little organ, yet cannot you make it speak.”
You commanded that I be your maid, nurse, slut or slave;
or be like a cello, a saxophone or a drum; yet
“Call me what instrument you will, though you can fret me,
you cannot play upon me.”
Not anymore, “like doth quit like,”
and “Measure for Measure.”
In childhood, I learned to wait for my Prince to come.
Then, all I found was a fierce villain in his stead.
Now, I, through my Lord, find the hero inside myself,
“And mercy then will breathe within your lips, like a man
new-made.”
The Frog can still be a frog; my kiss won’t make a difference.
I reach down deep inside myself and bring forth my own silent
scream.
I have so much fear and hurt and anger and pain and self-torment
and anguish, and horror and misunderstanding and resentment
residing in me that, yet, screaming would not let all of it out.
But you didn’t even allow me that.
And still, on the other side of my coin,
I find intrigue and love for myself you’ll never take away.
I knew when I met you that, no matter how hard
you tried to steel or beat it out of me, you could never
brake my spirit nor extinguish this Light at the center of my
being.
Through all the mending of my person, finally I stand and face
you.
I can say at the top of my voice, “I am not afraid of You!”
You’ll never have control over me. I can fight you and win.
Every face I may see you in, I’ll know I don’t have to travel that
road.
I know I deserve better treatment for what I truly am, a lady.
© Sheryl L. Knapp,
January, 1995
Author’s Note
You may ask why did I write this book?
Am I just shaking my finger at you or trying to tell you what to do? You are a
bright individual that God has created. You are an adult by all rights. No one
has the right to tell you what to do with your life and how to raise your
children. I don’t have that right. We are all accountable to God and He has the
right to govern our lives. He can tell you what to do but in order for you to
do what He tells you, you must pray and ask forgiveness and trust that He loves
you and your children. Read His Word, the Bible and follow His guidance. Fellowship
is His way of bringing you into His family and making you feel safe, not to
have you around people who judge you.
When you do these things and ask Jesus
to live in your heart, you do not have to be afraid anymore. You will never be
alone again. You can truly say the verse, “Greater is He who is in me that he
who is in the world.” According to studies in the Book of Job, any evil
cannot touch you unless Satan asks God’s permission first. When the verse says
“he who is in the world,” that what that means: Satan or anyone evil who wants
to do you evil. You can say, "Can’t touch this!” as Hammer used to say in
the 80s when I lived through my hard times.
The reason I wrote this book was
because I’ve been there and I understand your fears and frustrations. We are a
part of God’s family and as a family we are called to love one another as He
loves us. So I care about you and your children. God cares about every little
freckle they have to every hair on their heads. So soul sister, you are not
alone. (John 3:16).
Father, I ask you to bless my friends
reading this right now Lord, show them a new revelation of Your love and power.
Holy Spirit, I ask You to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where
there is pain, give them Your peace & mercy.
Where there is self-doubting, release a renewed confidence
in Your ability to work through them. Where there is tiredness, or exhaustion,
I ask You to give them understanding, patience, & strength as they learn
submission to Your leading.
Where there is spiritual fear, I ask You to renew them by
revealing Your nearness, and by drawing them into greater intimacy with You.
Where there is fear, reveal Your love, and release to them Your courage.
Where there is a sin blocking them, reveal it, and break
its hold over my friend's life. Bless their finances, give them greater vision,
and raise up leaders, and friends to support, and encourage them.
Give each of them discernment to recognize the demonic
forces around them, and reveal to them the power they have in You to defeat it.
We ask You to do these things in Jesus' name, Amen.
The woman you are; the woman
you become; the reason your children can hold their heads up high; the only one
who can make the choices you alone can make; and the only one who can carry the
blame for those choices; is the woman you
choose to be.
References and Resources
1.
Hunter Ed.D, Linda, Parenting On Your Own
HarperCollins/Zondervan
2.
Anderson, Joan The Single Mother’s Book: A practical
Guide to Managing Your Children, Career, Home Finances, and Everything Else,
1990, Peachtree, Ltd., 494 Armour
circle, NE, Atlanta, GA 30324. $12.95 NF
306.856 AND/Paper.
3.
Krueger, Caryl Waller
(woman) Single With Children: The
Survival Manual for Every Single Parent, Real Life Success Stories, Plus 144
Ideas for Going It Alone, 1993, Abingdon Press, 201 Eighth Avenue South,
Nashville, TN 37203. NF 306.865
KRU/Paper.
4.
Alexander, Shoshana In Praise of Single Parents: Mothers
and Fathers Embracing the Challenge, 1994 Houghton Mifflin Company, 215
Park Avenue, New York, NY 10003. $12.95
5.
Ross, Marilyn &
Tom COUNTRY BOUND!: Trade Your
Business Suit Blues for Blue Jean Dreams.
1992, Communication Creativity, P.O. Box 909, Buena Vista, CO
81211(719-395-8659: Sales Dept.
$19.95 Finance and reference book.
6.
Ross, Tom & Marilyn THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO
SELF-PUBLISHING: Everything You Need to Know to Write, Publish, Promote, and
Sell Your Own Book, Writer’s Digest Books, $16.95. Copy of order form to
CB-MOB Order Dept., P. O. Box 909 ,
Buena Vista , CO
81211
7.
Atlas, Stephen L. The Parents Without Partners, (Running Press, 1984).
8.
Vejvoda Murdock, Carol
Single Parents Are People, Too!
(Butterick Publishing, 1980).
9.
Ware, Ciji, Sharing Parenthood After Divorce,
(Viking, 1982).
10.
Dolmetsch, Paul, The Kids’ Book About Single-Parent Families
(Doubleday, 1985).
11.
Jensen, Marilyn, Formerly Married: Learning to Live with
Yourself (Westminster Press, 1983).
12.
Ricci, Islina, Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Custody
Work (Macmillian, 1980).
13.
Wayman, Anne, Successful Single Parenting (Simon &
Schuster, 1987).
14.
Glenn, H. Stephen
& Jane Nelson, Raising Self-reliant
Children in a Self-indulgent World
(Prima Publications &
Communications, 1988).
15.
McCoy, Kathleen, Solo Parenting: Your Essential Guide: How to
Find the Balance Between Parenthood and Personhood (New American Library, 1987)
16.
Mattis, Mary, Sex and the Single Parent, (Henry Holt,
1986).
17.
Riley, Julia, Living
the Possible Dream: The Single Parent’s Guide to College Success (Johnson
Books).
18.
Ross, Ruth Ph.D., Prospering
Woman: A Complete Guide to Achieving the Full, Abundant Life/Prosperity is Every Woman’s Birthright. 1982, Ruth Ross & 1985, (Bantam
Books, Inc. Whatever Publishing, Inc.), P. O. Box 137 , Mill Valley ,
CA 94941
19.
Bingham, Mindy, Changes: A Woman’s Journal for
Self-Awareness and Personal Planning, 1987 Written also by Sandy Stryker
and Judy Edmonson. Copies of this book may be ordered by sending $16.45 ppd. To
Changes, Advocacy Press, P.
O. Box 236 , Santa Barbara , CA 93102
20.
Kvols-Riedler, Bill
& Kathy, Redirecting Children’s
Misbehavior: A guide for cooperation between children & adults.
1979 R.D.I.C Publications, Box
3118, Boulder, CO 80307.
21.
Marshall, Catherine, Christy 1967, Avon Books, Dept. BP, Box
767, Rte 2, Dresden , TN 38225
22.
“Woman of the
World, Women of Intrigue,” a video documentary on independent woman.
Subtlety and discretion are necessary traits of every successful person.
Jacqueline Bisset hosts a program that delves into the lives of internationally
renowned women from a Brazilian Film actress and beauty, a American woman who
studied the life of a Geisha by becoming one, eleven women of science who share
the opportunity to dig in Egypt ,
to a German born woman who hunts down Nazi war criminals. V 305.4 WOM
23.
Mary Ellen’s Best
of Helpful Kitchen Hints, 1980 Warner Books,
75 Rockefeller Plaza, New York, NY 10019
24.
Mary Ellen’s Best
of Helpful Hints, fast-easy-fun ways to solving household problems. 1980 Warner Books, 75 Rockefeller Plaza, New York , NY 10019
25.
Burkett, Larry, The Financial Guide For The Single Parent,
1997 Moody Bible Institute, c/o MLM, Chicago, IL 60610.
27.
http://www.amygrant.com/index.html
28.
Louv, Richard, 101
Things You Can Do For Our Children’s Future, 1994 Anchor Books, Doubleday/
Bantam Dell Publishing Group, 1540 Broadway, New York, NY 10036
29.
Vannoy, Steven W., The
10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children, Parenting from the heart A Fireside
Book, 1994 Published by Simon & Schuster, Rockefeller Center, 1230 Avenue
of the Americas, New York, NY 10020
30.
Hunter Ed.D.,
Linda Single Moments, Weekly
Encouragement and Inspiration from One Single Parent to Another, 1997 Focus
on the Family Publishing, Colorado Springs, CO 80995
31.
Elliot, Elizabeth, How
To Overcome Loneliness 1989 NAVPRESS BOOKLETS, Ministry of the Navigators,
P. O. Box 6000, Colorado Springs, CO 80934
32.
Huff, Francine L. The
25-Day Financial Makeover 2004 Revell, A Division of Baker Book House Co,
P. O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287. www.bakerbooks.com
2004 About $12.00
33.
Whitney Hopler, God
Will Restore What You Thought Was Wasted. There is hope after your dreams have
been ruined. Live It Channel editor, Adapted from After the Locusts:
Restoring Ruined Dreams, Reclaiming Wasted Years, © Copyright 2002 by Janis
Coleman. Published by Broadman & Holman Publishers, Nashville , Tenn.
34.
http://www.ra-info.org/index.shtml The Ritual Abuse, Ritual Crime, and Healing website.
35.
Freeman, Lisa Run
For Your Life Copyright@ http://atime2heal.org 2005 A Time To Heal
Ministries. Wonderful couple helping people overcome immense struggles. She is
a speaker and has been on Oprah! We’ve encouraged each other through email.
36.
Orman, Suze “The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom” and “Women & Money: Owning the Power to Control Your
Destiny” both books can be found at the local library or at http://www.suzeorman.com/
39.
Evans, Patricia The
Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond 1992
Adams Media, an F+W Publishing Company, 57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322
ISBN: 1-55850-582-2. Not a
Christ-centered book but very interesting.
40.
The Mom’s Guide to
Earning and Saving Thousands on the Internet
by Bar Webb, MacGraw-Hill, 2006.
42.
Haskins-Bookser, Laura
Dream To Reality: Help for the young moms, education, career, and life
choices Morning Glory Press 6595
San Harold Way, Buena Park, CA 90620-3748 www.morningglorypress.com
43.
Alderich,
Sandra From One Single Mother to Another: Heart-Lifting Encouragement and
Practical Advice Regal Books/Gospel
Light Worldwide, P O Box 3875, Ventura, CA 93006 www.regalbooks.com
1991 Wonderful book! Wonderful Christian Author! I had the privilege to meet
Sandra at a convention.
44.
Anderson, Joan The Single Mother’s Book: A Practical Guide to
Managing Your Children, Career, Home, Finances, and Everything Else. 2nd
Ed. (This doesn’t have any reference to God’s Word.)
45.
Orange, Cynthia Sing Your Own Song: A Guide for Single Moms,
How to Get What You Need to Take Care of Yourself. \hazelden 2001 www.hazelden.org
46.
Haskins-Bookser, Laura, Dreams
to Reality: Help for Young Moms, Education, Career and Life Choices,
Morning Glory Press, 2006 This book is not Christ-Centered but a good one for
ideas.
47.
Living Proof Ministries, Beth Moore: http://www.lproof.org/
P O Bo 840849, Houston , TX 77284
48.
The Total Money
Makeover by Dave Ramsey Dave condenses
his 17 years of financial teaching and counseling into 7 organized,
easy-to-follow steps that will lead you out of debt and into a Total
Money Makeover. Plus, you’ll read over 50 real-life stories from people just
like you who have followed these principles and are now winning with their
money. It is a plan designed for everyone, regardless of income or age.
49.
O’Hara, Maureen
‘Tis Herself: A Memoir with
John Nicoletti Simon & Schuster 2004 Rockereller Center, 1230 Avenue of the
Americas, New York, NY 10020 This famous
actress/singer/artist has endured the same trauma we have, she survived and she
is a wonderful role model and humanitarian.
50.
AmyGrant.com
Many of her songs have helped me through some very difficult times.
51.
The Citizen Scientists
"United by the Net and emboldened by their numbers, parents of desperately
ill children are funneling millions into research, building vast genetic
databases, and rewriting the rules of the medical industry. By Sara
Solovitch http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.09/disease.html
52.
Knapp, Sheryl, articles
written by people with Tourette Syndrome. Our story is the second one down. http://www.sotherebooks.com/nonfiction.html
Here's a great resource site that
can help answer questions of Faith:
54.
You Can Start
Searching information on your child's Special Needs for education: http://www.homeschoolchristian.com/Links/SpecialEd/
55.
Mom To Mom Website If
this doesn't come up--Click on SEARCH in the scrollable window. This will at
least get you started down the right path. www.mom2momlist.com/
56.
Becky Tirabassi
explains the events that changed her life forever! She was a hip,
"disco chick" in the 1970s but when everything went black, she
visited a simple janitor who told her the most amazing news ever! Change Your Prayer Life and help others!
58.
FamilyEducation.com
62.
Moore, Beth Get Out of
That Pit: Straight Talk about God’s Deliverance 2004 Integrity Publishers,
a division of Thomas Nelson, Inc. P.
O. Box 141000 , Nashville , TN 37214
64.
Divorce Care, P O Box 1739 , Wake
Forest , NC 27588
Removing
Your Name From Mailing Lists.
1) Postcard Mail-in
Option (Free):
There is no charge for registering by mail. However, registering by mail may delay for a month or so inclusion in the TPS file because this requires time to manually add this data to the service. Please send a postcard that includes your name, home address, home telephone number (with area code) and signature to us at:
There is no charge for registering by mail. However, registering by mail may delay for a month or so inclusion in the TPS file because this requires time to manually add this data to the service. Please send a postcard that includes your name, home address, home telephone number (with area code) and signature to us at:
Telephone Preference Service
Direct Marketing Association
PO Box 1559
Carmel , NY 15012
Direct Marketing Association
2) Online Mail-in Option (Free):
Again, there is no charge for registering by mail. However, it is not as fast as the "Complete Online Option" (below). Please complete the form below. When you have finished entering your information select the "Register by Mail" button which will generate a unique tracking number to speed the processing of your request. Please print out the completed form and mail it to us at:
Telephone Preference Service
Attn:Dept 11813482
Direct Marketing Association
PO Box 282
Carmel , NY 10512
Attn:
Direct Marketing Association
Mercy
Ministries of America
If you are having a baby during
this hard time, you do have people to help!
“When a girl comes to the ‘house that mercy built,’ she
encounters unconditional love, hope for a better life, and God's merciful
kindness—sometimes for the very first time.
Staff members, under the direction of founder and president
Nancy Alcorn, are professionals in their fields, such as counseling, education
and social services. Above all, they are committed to helping each girl restore
hope and stability to her life.
Girls between the ages of 13 and 28 are admitted with such
life-controlling problems as drug and alcohol abuse, unplanned pregnancies,
suicidal tendencies, eating disorders, fear, depression, physical and sexual
abuse, self-harm (mutilation), sexual addictions and so forth.
All pregnant residents attend a Basic Decision Making
course about the options of parenting and adoption, which equips them to make a
sound decision, based on God's guidance. Each young woman is required to make
her own decision about what is best for her and her baby. Please understand we
feel strongly that her ultimate decision about her baby is between her and
God; neither Mercy staff nor outside influences (including parents of
minors) may coerce her decision. After the young woman makes her choice, the
rest of her time in the program is spent in preparation for either parenting or
adoption.
The length of stay is determined case by case based on each
individual's needs. The average stay is six months.
For pregnant residents only: Because our program is
designed for young women during their pregnancy rather than after, Mercy's
staff will assist a pregnant resident who chooses to parent in making an
individualized plan that will prepare her to effectively parent her child in a
safe environment. Young women who choose to place their child for adoption will
return to Mercy to complete post adoption counseling for grief issues.
To qualify for entry into the program, each girl must have
a willing heart to come and participate fully in the ministry. Mercy Ministries
is provided free of charge and girls come voluntarily because they have a
strong desire to change their lives. Mercy Ministries provides the opportunity
for that change by encouraging each girl to experience the love and forgiveness
of Jesus Christ.
Please understand that no one may be forced or coerced in
any way to enter our program (for example, we appreciate the hearts of parents
who strongly want their daughters to come, but our ministry requires that the
daughter have a sincere heart desire to come herself).
Write to:
Mercy Ministries ofAmerica
PO Box 111060
Nashville , TN 37222-1060
Or Call Us at:
(615) 831-6987
(615) 315-9749 FaxOr simply e-mail us at: info@mercyministries.com
Mercy Ministries of
Or Call Us at:
(615) 831-6987
(615) 315-9749 FaxOr simply e-mail us at: info@mercyministries.com
As the process continued [to
promote funds for this ministry], twelve artists agreed to join in the project
including: Michelle Tumes, Point of Grace, Darlene Zschech, Martina McBride,
Lisa Bevill, Amy Grant, Erin O'Donnell, Christine Dente, Donna Summer, Jill
Phillips, April McLean, and Kim Hill.
Mercy Ministries exists to transform lives of girls
struggling with life-controlling issues by providing free residential care and
life skills training through Biblical counseling in a loving environment where
mercy triumphs over judgment and dreams of a magnificent future are restored.”[32]
http://www.mercyministries.org/
For your benefit, I’ve included at
place for you to keep.
Your Own
References:
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
[1] © 2006 United States Postal
Service, presented (on a flyer) as a public service by the Office for Victims
of Crime , U. S.
[3] © Sheryl L. Knapp, 2004
[4] I learned this from St.
Luke’s Medical Center Rehabilitation Program.
[5] Keeping the
Faith: Questions and Answers for the Abused Woman, Marie M. Fortune,
HarperCollins Publishers, 1987
[6] Jeremiah 3
[7] My church didn’t judge me
either, which surprised me. No one has the right to judge you. You can find a
church or group that doesn’t.
[8] “Change Your Life Daily
Bible; the entire Bible organized in 365 daily readings.” Becky Tirabassi,
Scripture quotations marked (NTL) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living
Translation, copyright ©1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House
Publishers, Inc. Wheaton , Illinois
[9] BILLY
GRAHAM EVANGELISTIC ASSOCIATION "Is there anything wrong with a Christian
marrying a non-Christian?"
Billy Graham Evangelistic Association (http://www.billygraham.org/).
[10] An instrument like as a mom to become a mom and wife of
a righteous man that God can provide to you.
[11] © 2006 AOL LLC. All Rights Reserved. AOL@Black Voices © 2006 AOL LLC. All
Rights Reserved.
[12] Addy,
American Girl Series.
[13] © All
Titles copy write of Joey Green, 2006
[14] ã A Comprehensive Guide to Parenting On Your Own, Hunter, Linda
ZondervanPublishingHouse, Grand Rapids, MI 49530
[15] The Mom’s Guide
to Earning and Saving Thousands on the Internet by Bar Webb,
MacGraw-Hill, 2006.
[16] ãDisney
Enterprises, Inc.
[17]
Information obtained from the official website: http://www.habitat.org/getinv/apply.html
[18]
Seventeen Magazine, Health SexEd department, “Do you have this STD?” Seventeen
Magazine, March-April, 2005 By Rachel Gruman. Seventeen.com/quizzes
[19] Look up resources in your local library. We learned about Kit Kitridge
in the American Girl series.
[20] Contributor:
• David R. Berman, Ph.D., Professor of Political Science,Arizona State University
Berman, David R. "Ombudsman." World Book OnlineReference Center
• David R. Berman, Ph.D., Professor of Political Science,
Berman, David R. "Ombudsman." World Book Online
[21] Copyright © 2006 by the author or Christianity Today
International/Today's Christian Woman magazine. , Today's Christian Woman. July/August 2006, Vol. 28, No. 4, Page 52
[22] Forward Facing Car Seats
Advised for Children [22] By Jeanie Lerche Davis, WebMD Medical News, Reviewed
By Charlotte Grayson, MD on Monday, March 1, 2004
[24] I do
have to put a point in here that He had made this part of His plan for our
lives as He knew about us before we were ever born, See Psalm 139.
[26] EarthLink: The #1 provider of
the Real Internet, my smart-aleck remarks in italics and parentheses.
[27] PLEASE
USE DISCRETION AND SEEK A PROFESSIONAL BEFORE TRYING ANY TECHNIQUES IN A
DANGEROUS SITUATION-I’M NOT A
PROFESSIONAL AND I’M NOT LIABLE FOR ANYTHING YOU DO ON YOUR OWN.
[28] A Comprehensive Guide to
Parenting On Your Own, Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids Michigan
[29] Five Star Seminars, 1-800-405-0160 www.fivestarseminars.com
or www.coloradosafetyeducators.org
for Colorado
[30] Monday, February 7, 2005
[31]
SelfDefenseInstructor.com
is your source for free Self Defense videos, training, news and directory of
local self defense courses. Contact one of our respected self defense
instructors.
[32] Quote from the Mercy Ministries of America website:
http://www.mercyministries.org
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